Deconstruction
by Victoria G
Summary: Bits of pieces describing the evolution of a friendship/romance between Minako and Rei...
1. Rei

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters.

**Deconstruction: Rei  
><strong>By Victoria G.

**Part 1**

My mother could feel it too, the kami in all things. She would take me to the shrine and we would talk about the colors that only we saw or the things only we felt. Red was our color for angry, blue for sad, orange for happy, green for peace. I could never tell my father about those trips, it was always the park or the store. It was our secret. He knew, I could sense it when we returned. People assume my psychic powers mean that I can hear their thoughts as if they were speaking. It isn't like that. It's like any other thought or feeling you have come into your head, a bubble, except that you know it came from someone else. Like a sense, really.

She was in a car accident when I was little. It was on her way to pick me up from the shrine. When my mother died, my father sent me to the very best schools...Catholic schools. He was convinced he could pull me from the clutches of my family's "archaic" religion. In first grade I told the nun I didn't want to sit next to a boy because he kept thinking red things all the time. She told me to sit down and I refused until she moved me. My father was called, he was so angry at me… his illusions starting to shatter. He told me my mother and grandfather may have been willing, but he would not put up with any of these fantasies. He's a politician, by occupation and by personality. He lives in a world I neither understand or am a part of. We both knew I would never be the child he wanted, though neither of us could admit it up front. The charade ended when he came home to find that I had styled the fine American doll he had bought me to look like my mother and installed her in a homemade shrine. I told him we had been speaking all day...it was the first time I felt my mother's spirit.

He dropped me off at the shrine that night and I've lived with my Grandfather since. He couldn't take it, all he kept thinking on the ride there was that he never asked for this, that he wished my mother had listened to him, they weren't ready for a child, that she should never have taken me to that shrine, that her and my grandfather ruined me with this place, that she would still be alive if it weren't for me. Not surprisingly we don't see much of each other, even now. He paid for my schooling, but only if it was TA. I learned all the rules that come with money and status, to be a proper daughter, a proper woman. I was reserved by nature and everything I learned burned that into me. Now he sends me letters of scholarship from business schools, law schools, medical schools, admissions letters to places I never applied. It's been two years and I am totally convinced he will never give up the hope that I won't succeed in becoming a head priestess.

Over the years I learned to control my psychic abilities, I learned to shut them off and on. The other kids at school always found out one way or another though. It didn't take long to understand that I was not like them, not like anyone really, that I was the type of kid that other kids were afraid of… the strange little psychic girl who thought flowers spoke and colors felt, with her dead mother and her shrine on the hill. You learn how to use that fear to make them leave you alone. You learn how to be cruel yourself, learn the tricks and use them to your advantage. I excel at it actually. I used to imagine that my school uniform was a skin that I put on every morning, a skin of some popular girl with her doting underclassman and her distant gaze. I feel the same way about my senshi uniform, another suit of armor.

I can picture myself in miniature, looking up at the versions of me I've created, watching them act out my life without me and the anger comes tearing through me like a scream. I think of my mother, of how alone I was after and the same anger comes rushing in. I think of my father leaning over his huge imported wood desk in his black leather chair to write another check to some admissions chairman. At this point, I wonder if anger is the only emotion I feel anymore.

As if the complications of my gifts weren't enough of a burden, I began to notice something else. It started when I saw all the other girls going boy crazy. Nothing about boys seemed to interest me, not the way it did them. It became more obvious when I started to realize men felt the exact opposite way about me. I knew it was different for me, but I didn't know why. So I cultivated my coldness, until I found some guy who was totally unattainable. It worked perfectly, no one thought twice about it. It wasn't until I heard a rumor at school about two girls that I had a name for it, but when I did I was terrified. I watched them whisper in the halls as one or the other passed, the same looks that they had given my younger self. It was then I truly understood how careful I would have to be. I knew what my father would say about it and had heard enough to know how most of my Catholic high school would feel. It was the last thing I needed, a secret identity, strange powers, and that. I had kept it quiet throughout my whole school career, a secret only I knew and never shared with anyone, not even my friends.

The senshi …we have all known each other for years now. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of being a friend without being involved. I sat a certain distance away from the others, I showed only a certain amount of interest in any chatting, I declined as many outings as possible while still being polite, I pointed out the occasional older man chasing him a bit for show. I cared for them all very deeply, but it was quiet, hidden, never too much obvious emotion. I set things up exactly as I had in school and when Uranus and Neptune appeared I was openly suspicious. I didn't want them to notice any sort of interest on my part.

Then something seemed to change in me. At our get togethers, I found myself wondering…wanting to try and be real, and out of the blue she started to test that. Minako is my "best" friend, we were the closest, but even her I had always kept at a distance. Now she comes out of nowhere with simple, childlike questions that I am terrified to answer.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know what I'm thinking?"

"What?"

"I mean…. You're psychic right? So do you know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Don't be foolish."

It's conversations like that...I had no choice but to resort to avoidance, hoping she would leave it. It usually worked, it had always worked for me before…but with her it became less and less effective, so I moved on... began removing myself from the situation.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Is that some sort of special fire?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you see things in all fire or only that special fire?"

"It's called a sacred fire."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I have chores to do."

Nothing seemed to stop her and I was becoming more and more unnerved by the situation...scared that sooner or later I would run out of ways to avoid conversation.

**Part 2**

We had a night out, all of us together. Haruka and Michiru had given a concert and it was one activity I actually had some interest in attending. To keep up appearances I made it seem like they were dragging me there. I sat myself at the beginning of the row we had reserved, hoping to cut my chances of sitting next to her in half. I had rare success with avoiding her. The music was incredible, the composition, the technical skill, they were both so talented.

Watching them together on stage, I tried to force out any thoughts about my own future. I wasn't them and I could never be so open, so obvious. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see and listened. When the concert ended, I tried to leave quickly. As I was waiting to get a cab, Minako suddenly appeared over my shoulder, starting a conversation as if we were already having one.

"Do you think everyone finds that kind of love?"

"What?"

"Haruka and Michiru I mean."

"Stop spying. They don't need you watching them."

"I just think it's so beautiful. Don't you?"

The only answer I gave her was the slamming of the cab door. It took me a few minutes to calm my breathing, sitting in the back of that taxi, my heart beating so loud it was all I could hear.

**Part 3**

I was straightening the charms and talismans in the front of the shrine while they were all leaving and she stopped on her way out….watching me for a minute.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"What do they look like?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The kami. You must be able to see them or feel them or something."

"Don't be foolish."

"You used that one already."

"Huh?"

"The 'don't be foolish' thing. You are gonna have to find another way to not answer me. "

"I have chores to do."

"Used that one too! Why don't you want to talk about this stuff?"

"Why are you so nosy?"

"You are going to have to do better than that Hino Rei."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Why do I want to know about what?"

"Why do you care about me being psychic or a miko? Why all the questions?"

"I've never been friends with a psychic or a miko before."

"So you thought I'd like to sit around and satisfy your curiosity?"

"No, I was just wondering."

"I wish you would leave me alone."

And she did, but not for very long. I had been more obviously upset by the conversation than I wanted. She'd backed me into a corner. I didn't know what to do, but I was afraid to be alone with her.

**Part 4**

I began to catch her watching me or smiling at me. I would not have considered that unusual, except there was something new, a kind of searching depth in her stare. I had started pretending to be annoyed by her all the time, especially in front of the others. It had been a pretty successful strategy, until she showed up on my doorstep.

"Rei?"

"I thought I asked you to leave me alone."

"You did."

"So why are you here?"

"Because I don't think that's what you really want."

"Is that so?"

"Yup. I think you want to talk about all that stuff. I think you want me to hang around. We've been friends for too long, I know how you think."

She was so confident and sure of what she was saying. I couldn't get rid of that girl… she was a glutton for punishment apparently.

"I told you I don't want you here and I don't want to talk about it. Why would I say that if I wanted you wasting my time with ridiculous questions?"

She stepped right up in my face. "Because you're scared."

I laughed sarcastically, but I could feel my shell cracking around me and I was desperately trying to hold it together. She only stared at me, completely unaffected by it. I hated her in that moment, I hated her for exposing me that way, for making me show her things I didn't want to. I hated her because she saw me, she saw the frightened little me underneath it all. I hated me for being afraid in the first place. I hated that I had ever let her know me well enough to understand how I think. I wanted to get away, I wanted to run hard and fast until I could barely breath, until my lungs and legs ached…but she was standing in front of me and I felt trapped.

She said nothing else, just left and I stood there frozen for I don't know how long. I felt the first hot tear on my cheek, and I shook my head in disgust. I walked out to the cherry trees and stood out at the edge of the grove, watching her small figure disappear down the sidewalk below. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply until I felt something like a raindrop on the top of my head. Reaching up, my fingers closed around a single petal from a cherry blossom.

Without thinking, I traced the petal down the bridge of my nose and blew it away, as my mother had when we would picnic between these trees. This was the only place I didn't have to hide from anyone or anything. I sat in the grass and imagined that my mother was here with me again, that we were sharing lunch from the small shop down the street that she always loved. I tried to remember the taste of each of her favorites and the way her hands looked as they picked up each piece. As I tried to recreate her from memory, I felt a shadow over my face and turned to see my grandfather sitting down beside me.

"You look just so much like your mother beneath these trees. Do you remember? She used to take you out here all the time, she would bring…"

"A bento box from the shop on the corner…yes I remember…then we would all watch the people go by on the street."

"She would be so proud of you if she could see you now, a miko. A card came from your father today."

"For my birthday?"

He nodded. My birthday was a month ago. My father had forgotten to call. The card would no doubt be stuffed with a check, his hush money as I'd come to call it and probably another letter from some Dean. My grandfather put his hand on my knee and we watched as the sun set over the city, both of us looking down on Juuban from a place out of another time. My grandfather, the shrine, and I... the three of us just barely a part things.

**Part 5**

We were having one of those "study sessions" again. We still called them that even though everyone was in college and we rarely had the chance anymore. This was the first time I had seen her since she showed up at the shrine. She of course acted as if nothing had occurred. I did my best to hide my discomfort and as usual everyone seemed to buy it. Part of me wanted to talk to her, to let her know I didn't hate her, that the insults… they weren't personal. I regretted being mean, but she felt so dangerous to me now. As everyone else began to pack up their things, I watched her moving noticeably slower than the others. She caught me staring and locked eyes with me, slipping her comics away too carefully, too methodically. I said goodbye to the last of the others, before she had even begun to sling the pack over her shoulder. She walked over to me and we stood face to face for a silent minute, eyes boring into each other, my whole body tingling, nerves humming. Then she spoke...

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"You don't have anything to say?"

"Should I?

Throwing up her hands, she turned on heel. As she began to stomp away, I felt an overwhelming pang of loneliness. The others were away so much now, Usa was getting ready to start her family. I wanted her to stay. Before I could stop it, a whisper came out.

"It's like warmth…"

"Huh?"

"The kami… they feel like warmth or sometimes like a breeze"

She didn't say anything. She just turned, placing her bag on the floor and sat back down, all the time with her eyes on me.

"…they don't look like anything I can name, just a glow really, different color lights… not like actual objects"

"Do you see them all the time?"

"Always."

"Because you're a priestess?"

"Because I was born that way, like my mother."

"Was she psychic too?"

"A bit, yes."

"So you CAN read my mind."

"Not in the way you think, but yes…if I wanted to."

"Are you reading it right now?"

"No."

"Wow."

"What?"

"I dunno, that's pretty amazing is all."

"I guess."

"No, it is. I better head home! But I'll see you later Rei-chan!" She ran up to me, unexpectedly planting a kiss on my cheek. The feel of someone else, anyone besides my Grandfather so close in broad daylight was alien. The sunny colored glow that always surrounded her was like electricity on my skin.

And just like that, with a suddenness that was becoming habitual, she left. I had expected her to make a big deal out of it, but she didn't. I had opened up a bit and I expected to feel panicked over it. I didn't... I felt a little relieved.

**Part 6**

She's been coming to help me with my chores, to ask me other questions about Shinto or my abilities. Curiosity Minako has, a sense of privacy or boundaries…no and so those questions began to stray from just the usual topics.

"How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

"What?"

"Men are always falling all over themselves for you."

"Well men are idiots."

"Most girls would kill for that kind of attention."

"They can have it."

I found myself desperately trying to figure out what any normal girl would say in a situation like this. I hated the way she was looking at me, full of surprise and disbelief. I wouldn't look back at her, I continued with my sweeping, hoping that she wouldn't read too much into anything. I kept my mouth closed, lips tight as if it could hold my secrets in. I pictured the accusation, the laughter, the whispers. As always she knew when to stop pushing. She said nothing else, only helped me finish sweeping in silence. I thought of our conversations initially as a game. My part consisted of finding a way to divert her attention, change the topic, or end the dialogue completely. There seemed to be no goal for her besides the interaction itself and the lack of motive made me constantly suspicious. We put the brooms away together, locking the shed and sealing up the gift cart before she decided to speak again.

"So what do you do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"After all your chores are done…what do you do?"

"What do you think I do?"

"I dunno. But it's gotta be something more exciting then what I do."

"Which is?"

"Blech…eat, school work, read comics, watch TV, listen to some music...the usual stuff."

"You don't think I do those kinds of things?"

"You said you hate TV"

"Besides TV."

"I dunno, I guess I picture you doing something more worthwhile with your time."

"Such as?"

"Meditating or reading books I could never understand, stuff like that."

"I meditate in the morning mostly."

"Yeah yeah, 4am. We're all impressed. Okay, so if I wasn't here, what would you be doing?"

Sharing this or that, joking, poking fun at herself was always so casual for her. I was jealous of the ease with which she danced through life. Spending time with her was a tug-of-war between building trust and maintaining defenses. At that the same time that I enjoyed having her around, I hated having to talk.

"Watching the sunset from the orchard."

"Can I watch it with you?"

"I guess… since you don't seem to take 'no' for an answer."

**Part 7**

She started coming by every once in awhile, after dinner. It was almost summer. She would meet me in the spot she knew I had watched my first sunset with my mother, the place I always came. I tended to eat by the trees and began to bring a little extra with me. We were staying out there late into the night now. Minako had laid herself down on the cool grass and was staring up at the sky. Her shoes were off and her knees were bent and crossed. I was inexplicably transfixed by the wiggling toes dangling from her left foot.

"It's so beautiful."

"What is?"

"Being out here. Away from the city."

"You're not away from the city, you're in the middle of it."

"Fine. It feels like I am floating above it then."

I understood the sentiment, though I saw it from a slightly less sunny perspective….like I was drifting away…farther and farther from everything. I gazed at the darkness trying to pick a star or two from the swirl of light pollution and airplanes. I watched her as she fell asleep on the ground and I tried to picture this place as she did, a mystical temple buried in cherry trees drifting quietly and secretly above the Tokyo streets.

I didn't sleep myself, I just watched the subtle rise and fall of her stomach. The moonlight beamed down on us and the breeze changed our shapes and shadows. I thought about our future, our destiny, how things always pushed forward with or without our cooperation. The moon would always be there, bringing us the next day and we would never be allowed to go back, no matter how much we wanted to. Her voice knocked me out my thoughts.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"What time is it?"

"Late."

"You okay?"

"Of course I am."

"Of course."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. I really should head home. "

I could tell she was frustrated but I had no real idea why. It was the first time she was not completely open with me, the first time I knew there was something on her mind she didn't share…at least that I had noticed. It annoyed me, and I wondered if she was equally annoyed by my constant evasiveness.

**Part 8**

I found myself thinking about that night as I left the club. I envisioned her laying in the cool grass of an imaginary orchard, sailing along above me and watching the light from the signs and lampposts slithering down the wet streets below. This place, far away from everyone and everything that I knew, was another island. It was a place for me to float away. I stepped out, missing the overwhelming noise of it….the way the thump of the music filled my head and moved my body without my permission. I always came here alone, not telling anyone where I would be. Like most things that mattered to me, it was a secret. I used a different name here, I was a new person. The language of attraction was one I innately understood and I felt comfortable with it so long as I was invisible to those who knew me. The feeling of being wanted, admired sexually, the power over someone else… I let myself experiment, but I could never reciprocate that need. It felt too real, too intrusive.

I climbed into my car and noticed a piece of paper sticking out of my pocket. Pulling the scrap out, I looked at the hastily scribbled numbers beneath a name. I folded it in two and stuck it with the others in my driver's side door. As I drove, I wondered if my mother would be ashamed of me if she knew about this. I wondered if my grandfather would ever accept it. I wondered what would happen if there was more than a flirtatious night, if could allow anything more. About 15 minutes from the shrine, I heard my communicator ring. I glanced at the clock… 2:47…and then back at communicator… it was Minako. I was instantly on guard. The thought that she might discover I had been out was concerning, but I knew I had to answer. The car was probably dark enough to make the video feed look black.

"Rei?"

"What's going on?"

"I'm outside your window."

"What are you doing outside my window?"

"Let me in, okay?"

"Is something attacking us?"

"No. Just open up."

"Absolutely not."

"Why?"

"It's 2:50 in the morning. Go home."

"Please just let me in."

"I said 'no'"

"Fine. I'll find a way in myself."

I heard the click of her hanging up. Instantly a sort of angry panic set in, and I sped up, whipping my car into its usually space. I slammed the door, stomping up toward the shrine only to see her working at the screen nearest to my bedroom. I grabbed her shoulder, giving her the most intense stare I could muster.

"What do you want?"

"Wow….where were you?"

"None of your business. Why are you here?"

"You look great."

"I asked you a question."

"I… can I stay here tonight?"

"I already answered that, didn't I?"

"Rei…"

The tears started then and I felt the wrath I was about unleash die. She wrapped herself around me. I willed myself to relax and held her, wondering at the sudden turn. I had no idea what could be bothering her. We never really talked about her, I never really asked. With us so close, I could feel that her dress was slightly damp. She was quiet for awhile and I only knew she was still crying by the slight tremble of her body. As usual, she broke the silence. Almost nuzzling into me, she came out with another statement that threw me.

"You smell good."

"You're clothes are wet."

"It was raining."

"How long have you been out here?"

"I dunno… two hours or something."

"Two hours?"

"You didn't answer your phone."

"I didn't take it with me."

"Where did you go?"

"Out."

"You're not going to tell me are you?"

"No. Let's go inside, okay?"

"Sure."

I quietly slipped in the house, her following my example. She took off her damp sandals and I slipped off my heels at the door. We made our way to my room and I turned on the light and instantly wished I hadn't. The damp material of the thin dress she wore clung to her body and was just shy of see through. The color made her eyes look impossibly bright. Her hair was down loosely, wet strands sticking around her face, and her cheeks were pink from the slight chill in the air. I sighed and tried to push down my aggravation at the entire situation, she was upset after all. I rummaged around quickly to find something to cover her with and tossed her one of my sweatshirts and a less than form fitting pair of pants. To my horror, she began to change right in front of me, pulling the material up and over her head without a thought. My processing ability was failing, so it seemed to her the perfect time to ask me inane questions.

"Did you do your make-up?"

"Huh?"

"Your make-up. It looks amazing. Did you do it?"

"Yeah, uh yes. I did."

"Oh no…I got your jacket wet."

"Yeah, hopefully I can get it dry cleaned."

"You're such a jerk."

"Excuse me?"

"How about 'don't worry about it' maybe something that would tell me you cared?"

I took off my tear-stained jacket and put it on the chair, folded neatly and turned to look at her staring at me with her arms folded. The sweats hadn't helped any. I tried to think of the right thing to say, squaring my shoulders and noticing how this tension was knotting them right up.

"Minako…I'm sorry, that was rude."

She didn't really respond, just kind of looked at me with her head turned, like she didn't quite understand. I grabbed some clothes and left to go wash up and change in the privacy of my bathroom. The world always seemed to feel a little less stable when she was there. I found myself looking at my face in the mirror for a little while. She thought I looked nice. When I came back into the room she was already laying in my bed, and I slipped in as close to the edge as I could. Trying to keep my mind off how tight my back now felt, I looked out the window. I picked out what bits of the constellations I could see, hoping she would fall asleep before me.

"I had a nightmare."

"About what?"

"Us dying. "

"I've dreamt about that too."

"You… all of you… died and I couldn't save you. I couldn't do anything."

"It was just a dream."

"I know."

**Part 9**

I loved summer days, how long the sun stayed out. I found myself feeling itchy with energy. I spent the hush money on a brand new pair of running shoes. The smell of them made me smile and I laced them up tightly, kicking the toes on the ground to knock my feet into place. I stretched a bit, loving the pop as the tightness released. Grabbing my ipod and throwing my hair up, I took off. It had been awhile and I tried to stay relaxed as my body reacquainted itself with the feel of a brisk jog. I ran fast and steady to the rhythm pounding in my ears. My body felt like a machine, like it could go forever, like it was programmed to do this and only this. I was feeling amazing. As I turned the corner about half a mile from home, a tune started I couldn't place. The production was rocky and the instrumentation sounded a bit unpolished…then her voice came in. The demo… I had forgotten I put it on my ipod, I had forgotten about it entirely actually. She was a better singer than I would have guessed, singing a more honest song than I would have expected…it was beautiful and I found myself slowing to a walk as it continued, as if the lessening of pace would improve my hearing. I sighed as she hit a high note that felt like it cut right through me. Distracted with listening I made my way back to the shrine, the steps familiar beneath my feet. Her song ended with one line… _"nothing can ever be simple."_ As if on cue, I saw her standing at the top of the stairs waiting for me.

"Were you running?"

"Good guess."

"Cranky. I brought you some dinner. Don't worry, I didn't make it."

"Thank you, but I need to take a shower first."

"Can I watch?"

"Ecchi."

I had to practically peel my sweat soaked clothes off my body, and I tried not to be disgusted by the slap they made as they hit the tile floor. The salt was beginning to make my face sting and the hot water, when it hit, was like heaven. I closed my eyes and just let it run down over my shoulders and back. Why would she ask that? It was clearly joke… but still, weird. Do friends just joke like that? Is that normal? I hated it when she winked at me. I could feel my back muscles swelling with stress. This was getting ridiculous. I tried to banish any thoughts of her while I washed up, but it was a losing battle. I imagined her just outside the glass door, her eyes wide, following my every motion. God, I needed to relax. I rested my head against the cool tile of the shower, my hand tracing a path down my stomach almost without my control. My eyes clenched and I bite my bottom lip, hesitating a bit. I gave in, reluctantly admitting I wouldn't last the evening without it.

**Part 10**

I didn't say anything to her while we walked to the orchard. I couldn't bring myself to talk... not until we started to eat. My embarrassment and concern that she somehow knew what I had done was too great.

"This is good."

"Yeah! It's from this cute little shop down the street on the corner….What?"

"Nothing…"

"You sure?"

"I listened to your demo today."

"You did?"

"Yes…it was good."

"You think so? I haven't sent it anywhere yet."

"What was the point of making it then?"

"Well I want to send it out…"

"So why don't you?"

"I think I need to maybe get my head out of the clouds, maybe think about going to college fulltime and stuff."

"You hate school."

"Yeah, I know."

"Why go to all the auditions then?"

"I don't know. I do want to do it, I just feel like maybe I'm wasting my time."

"Who told you that?"

"What?"

"Not to send it out."

"…my parents."

"Have they heard it?"

"No."

A little pang of anger rose at the thought of Mina not chasing her dreams. She was usually so stubborn, I was surprised she would let anyone else's opinion hold her back, that she would give up so easily.

I'm not sure if it was the heat, but the sunset was spectacular that night. The whole world looked like a painting, just a little too bright, surreal. I could feel my mother's spirit in the gently blowing wind and let my fingers touch the ruffling blades of grass at our feet. I laid back against one of the tree trunks, trying to breathe in the aura radiating off everything.

"Do you think I could do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be a pop star."

"Not if you don't send that tape out."

"Rei."

"Well just because you chase idols, doesn't mean you'll end up one."

"Wow. Thanks."

"I meant you can't expect that it'll happen just like that."

"Jeez, nevermind, okay?"

"Don't be so sensitive. You're talented, you're attractive, you just need to actually go for it."

"You think I'm attractive?"

I rolled my eyes at her. I had debated saying it at all, wondering how she would take it. I should have known complimenting her was a bad idea. It immediately went to her head. Now she was just smirking at me.

**Part 11**

The thump of the bass was vibrating the bar as I leaned against it. I watched everyone on the dance floor moving and realized I was far drunker than I had intended to be. My grip on the wood felt like the only thing preventing the entire place from bouncing up and down. I knew from experience that I moved from drunk yet coherent to blackout with no noticeable between and thankfully I was still in the first category. A familiar voice suddenly intruded on my quest to hold the bar down.

"Rei?"

"Haruka? What are you doing here?"

"Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that? Little far from home aren't you?"

"I…."

"Don't look so worried, I won't tell the others if that's what you're nervous about. I wondered if that was you out on the dance floor."

"What..."

"Michi and I are visiting some friends out here."

"Oh."

"So you're one of those girls huh?"

"What?"

"That always dances by herself. Don't try and cut in, just give you space?"

"I could dance with someone else if I found someone I wanted to dance with"

"There are plenty of choices here."

"I suppose."

"Am I wrong?"

"I said if I found someone I WANTED to dance with, I would."

"Is that so? No one meeting your standards tonight? Picky picky…."

In my intoxicated state I was finding it hard to be defensive or cutting. I was just openly annoyed instead, especially with her giving me that trademark know-it-all smirk. It was then that Michiru appeared, surprised by my presence and even more surprised to be dragged out on to the dance floor. I moved with intensity and deliberateness, slow and close but only long enough to tease. I knew I could dance, that it affected women. I could feel Haruka watching me, and I could feel myself straining to prove her wrong. I could be close to people, I wasn't cold, I wasn't too scared to open up. After a few songs I lead a flushed Michiru off the dance floor. I stared down the tall racer as if she had challenged my very existence and took my place back at the bar. I was pretty sure none of that had anything to do with Haruka. She laughed around a smile and shook her head.

"Let me buy you a drink."

**Part 12**

The sun felt like a death ray burning a hole through my forehead. Being awake was unusually painful and disorienting. With some effort I was able to sit up and realized I was in someone else's house. It must be Haruka and Michiru's. I remembered them spotting me, the conversation, the dance…poor Michiru. The last of my memories from the night before end with downing a drink from Haruka. Who was I becoming? I was slipping so badly. I never should have let this happen, no one was supposed to ever find out. I felt like my life was falling to pieces around me. I just hoped Minako never found out about this. As I was moping, Michiru walked in with a cup of tea. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to tell her everything just so that the pressure in my chest would disappear.

"You're awake. How are you feeling?"

"I've felt better."

"Here, drink this."

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Last night…"

"Far worse things have happened to me in my life than a beautiful girl dancing with me."

"How did I end up here?"

"Well Ruka decided to have a drinking contest with you"

"I lost."

"You didn't get passed one. We drove your car back with us."

"I've embarrassed myself."

"Oh don't be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us, it can be our secret."

"I don't even use my real name."

"It was a coincidence, we were meeting friends there."

"I should go home."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"If you ever needed to talk..."

"I should really be getting home."

She watched me gather my things with an expression I couldn't place, but nodded. I left quietly, glad that Haruka was still asleep. As I got in my car, trying to shake the pounding headache off, I noticed my phone blinking in the center console. I had three new texts from her. We were supposed to meet for breakfast this morning. There was no way I would let her see me like this and I lied, saying I was too tired. I was mad I couldn't bring myself to talk to Michiru, but impressed with my self-restraint. Emotionally, I always seemed to be torn in two separate and opposite directions.

**Part 13**

I hiked up the steep hill, watching my footing, staying close to the waterfall. Minako was right behind me and I was pleasantly surprised at her ability to keep up. She had insisted on coming, brought up my bailing on her for breakfast to guilt me into to agreeing. There were hot springs close to where we were. Bathing in the spring was supposed to purify the spirit. My family had been coming here for generations and I had been coming since I was old enough to remember. My grandfather had already made the trip this year and it was my turn. I wasn't entirely comfortable with her coming, but she seemed to eat up each little bit of legend I threw out about the spring. Of course it would be impossible for me to explain that I was also sick at the thought of her being naked in my presence.

Not many knew about this particular spot and I had never seen another person there in all the times I had been. Regardless I had insisted on leaving at 5am... she was unexpectedly cooperative.

"It's beautiful out here."

"It's one of my favorite places."

"I can't believe it's so quiet. I just can't get over it! It's like the whole world is asleep."

"Was asleep."

"Jerk. Is that it?"

"Yes."

"The water has a smell."

"It's the minerals."

"Is it warm?"

"It's a hot spring Mina."

"Whatever. What are we waiting for? Let's get in."

"Turn around."

"What's wrong Rei-chan? A little shy?"

"Just be quiet and turn around."

I didn't look her way once as I undressed and tried to ignore the sounds of shuffling clothing coming from behind me. I slipped in as quickly as the intense heat would allow me to, breathing in the steam rising from the water. I kept my eyes closed until I was sure she was all the way in. The bubbling heat would keep the water blessedly cloudy. I cleared my mind and focused all my attention on the energy of this place. I prayed quietly to the kami and my ancestors, letting only those thoughts run in loop. The air on my face felt heavy and I became aware of every nerve in my body, like each cell was breathing and totally individual. The water seemed to thicken and I could feel it on my skin like a weight.

"Rei?"

"Mm?"

"Teach me to meditate?"

"Why?"

"If I'm going to hike all the way to a sacred spring, I want to do it right."

"I'm not meditating right now."

"What are you doing then?"

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Just thinking"

"Well what should I be thinking about when I'm here?"

"I don't know."

"Well it would help if I knew what kind of things you're thinking. You know how to do this kind of stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"The spiritual kind of stuff. You're a miko Rei-chan, it's your whole life."

"It's not my whole life."

"You get up every morning at 4am to meditate, you live at a shrine where you're a shrine maiden and your grandfather is the priest, you talk to fire…."

"Leave it alone."

"All I mean is you're so dedicated, it must be pretty important to you."

"I said leave it alone."

"You're so difficult."

"I'm not difficult. I just don't want everyone knowing my business."

"You think I am going to run around telling strangers on the street what we talk about as soon as we get off this mountain?"

"Who knows with the way you and Usa gossip."

"Is that really what you think of me? That I'm stupid girl who runs around gossiping to anyone that will listen? I'm not 13 anymore."

I stared at her, not really knowing what to say. I didn't want her to know that it bothered me I had offended her. I didn't even really understand why I had reacted like that.

I could feel how much she wanted to experience whatever it was she thought I felt. I was embarrassed by her eagerness and excitement... it made me feel jaded. Maybe I was. I had wanted to be a head priestess for years now, most of my life. I devoted so much time to that goal. I don't know why I was rebelling against it, trying to separate myself from it now, saying it wasn't important to me. I wanted it, but at the same time I didn't want it to be me. I felt like it was all she could see in me, and that thought drove me crazy.

**Part 14**

I could guess where the dreams had come from, seeing us all die together in that last battle. She showed up in the middle of night for the fourth time. She was incredibly upset. It was a strange experience to me, to see someone else be so fragile and trusting. I'll admit it bothered me that none of this seemed to come very naturally, that I had to think about what to do each time. I was unaccustomed to giving comfort, but I was starting to enjoy the role a bit. It made me feel more together, stronger I guess, to be the one to take her into my arms, to be silently there. The electricity I felt before with her, was warmth against my skin. I didn't say anything, just laid with her body curled into mine, head tucked under my chin and did my best to make her feel protected. I felt her turn in my arms, laying on her other side, face-to-face with me.

"I had to come over."

"It's okay."

"I was scared."

"I know."

"This one felt real and I was afraid…I…nevermind"

"No what?"

"I had to make sure you are still here. I wake up with this feeling like the inside of me fell out and this picture of you dying stuck in my head and I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe until I know you're okay. I had to come and find you."

I could see her eyes shining in the darkness, looking directly into mine. There was a twist in the pit of my stomach and as was so often the case, I didn't know what to say. Her hand was on my side, fingers grazing my skin lightly. She had scooted forward a bit, her body just brushing mine. For the first time since we started this whole thing, I wanted to kiss her. As soon as the thought crossed my mind I knew I should've sent her home, but I couldn't. I felt responsible for her, it was late, she was scared. I wasn't sure what was happening between us...I wasn't even sure anything was happening at all. I tried not to think too much about it. Part of me wondered if she knew my secret and was trying to tease it out of me. I wondered if she was capable of such a thing. She moved her head closer to mine and I lifted my chin deliberately, tucking her head beneath mine again, holding her, hoping I could keep her from seeing my face.

**Part 15**

Minako was all worked up about something. I saw her coming up the stairs with an unusual amount of intensity. She was wearing that blue dress I hated to see her in. The cut was perfect and it fell as if it had been tailor-made for her. Her eyes were impossible not to notice against the cornflower fabric. She shoved a letter in my face and I snatched it away, rolling my eyes. I started reading, it was a letter from a record label requesting a meeting with her. I guess Michiru had come through.

"How?"

"How what?"

"How did you do this? This is a major label!"

"I asked Michiru to listen to your demo, her agent had contacts."

"I can't believe you would do this without even telling me!"

"Someone had to do it."

"Rei..."

She threw herself on me, squeezing me unpleasantly tight. Through that thin dress, I could feel her whole body pressed against mine. I was instantly overwhelmed with embarrassment and my muscles seemed to tighten instinctively. I was noticing a pattern. Her presence resulted in three things at once: muscle stiffness, frustration, and somewhere underneath it all... an annoyingly persistent happiness.

**Part 16**

It was getting to the point that even in a seemingly innocent situation, I was nervous and agitated. I was laying on my bed studying and she was reading comics beside me. Whenever I thought something that I knew I shouldn't, or she said something slightly off color, my brain always went to the same place. I would watch her and list the reasons why we would never work. She was too carefree, too much of a girly girl, too nice to people, too straight, what would our friends say? It could never be, we would hate each other and it wasn't even an issue because it wasn't anything that she had probably ever even considered. It was something I should never be considering in the first place. I shouldn't be dating anyone, I don't actually date people… I don't feel this way…and what if she… my neck and back felt like they were going to explode.

"Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"Hunch over. It's not good for your back."

"I don't need your advice on posture."

"No need to get snippy! Just looking out for your future self."

"Well don't."

"You are such a grump sometimes Rei-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"You look like you're in pain."

"I am, okay?"

"Come on. I'll give you a massage."

"No way."

"Don't be so stubborn."

"I'm not! You'll probably make it worse."

"My volley ball team used to give each other massages all the time. I promise you'll feel amazing afterwards…"

I didn't even know what to do. Between the sing-song tone, the wink, and the eyebrow... I was stunned to silence. She took that as her invitation to slip in behind me. I could feel the warmth that always surrounded her before she even touched me, not just from her hands, but from her whole body. I counted in my head to relax, to resist the urge to shove her away. She ran her fingers up my neck, under my hair, and began massaging my scalp. I felt myself melt almost immediately, the sensation terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I saw sparks of color flickering underneath my eyelids and felt electric tingling in my hands each time she pulled her fingers from front to back. Minako was quiet and focused and I was thankful that I couldn't actually see her. When I was sure that my mind had turned to soup, she moved to my shoulders, descending deliberately, symmetrically along my spine. The tension released in rubber band like snaps rippling under my skin. I could feel her thumb outlining each muscle in my upper back, chasing the knots out as they flipped and popped. It hurt in a way that only seemed to make it better.

"Just relax, don't fight it. You're so tight Rei-chan."

"I said don't call me that."

"Okay, okay. Take your shirt off and lay down."

"Mina…."

"No more arguing. It's for your own good."

I obeyed with an absurd, almost trance-like immediacy, ignoring the muted alarms ringing in the mush of my brain. I didn't realize what a terrible idea it was until she straddled my lower back. I couldn't string thoughts together so I just surrendered. I had always felt very in control of my own body. I loved exercise, physical activity, because I understood how my body would react, where it would move or land. It was one thing I could always predict. Meditation came easily to me, the discomfort was expected and accepted. I could make my body stay in a position through force of will.

This however, was different. I felt as though I had become my own skin, sinking into it and seeping out of it, moved only by the touch her hands. My conscious self was floating above it all, letting my body have its way. Each sensation was amplified, the weight of her on me, the slide of her fingertips, the flexing of a muscle I would normally not even notice. I felt her catching on my bra. She gently unhooked it, using her palms to pull the straps aside. I tried to ignore the goosebumps it caused, shocked by her boldness. She used her whole body as she tracked her outstretched arms along my spine and as she reached my shoulders, I felt her chest brushing my back... her warm breath on my neck. A tight clenching tore through my lower abdomen and it was incredibly difficult to hold back the groan that seem to bubble up from somewhere in the back of my throat. This was getting to be a little too much, but my body seemed to want it badly enough to override me. The rest of the massage became a blur. I only knew it ended when I felt her body lift off me and the bed depress as she sat cross-legged next to me.

"See? I keep my promises."

**Part 17**

This shrine had been built centuries ago on the mountainside. My mother had studied here as a shrine maiden, learning traditional dances for the festivals as I was now. The stones of the walkways were smooth from years and years of hosting visitors and I considered if the stones I was sitting on were ever underneath my mother's feet. I had a picture of my mother here, taken by the head priest, posing in front of the mountain at the far side of the temple. I had spent the evening trying to recreate that picture, to see if I could talk to her spirit through it.

The stars were so clear. I picked out shapes and made my own constellations, wondering if Mars was somewhere up there too. The mountains looked like jagged shadows, biting at the bottom of the bluish black sky. Looking at something this beautiful hollowed me out, made me feel incredibly lonely. Being by myself had always been something I looked forward to and now it felt awkward and sad. This was the reason I had never wanted a best friend. I didn't like needing some one else's company, I didn't like thinking about her. I was supposed to be enjoying my solitude, my time here. Now I stared out into the darkness and tried to work out if I was looking in the direction of Juuban, if Minako was looking back in my direction from miles and miles away. I had spoken to my Grandfather today. She had been coming over everyday after work or classes to help him with the chores. He was naturally elated, but I felt grateful, confused, and angry at the same time. My phone chirped, sounding completely out of place amongst muffled insect noises. It was a text from her, of course.

"Miss you 3."

**Part 18**

I looked down at my phone flashing for the fifth time. Reaching down, I shut it off completely. I wasn't really in the mood to see or talk to anyone today... even her. It was July 20th. My grandfather was unnaturally quiet on this day. He would spend most of it as he always did, praying in front of the sacred fire and making small offerings at the family altar. I was the only one who went to her grave. I had been walking there for years, finding that the exercise made me a little calmer when I actually got there. I had a few petals from a Sakura blossom I had dried in my pocket and some figs in my backpack. I placed them on the mantle of the stone when I got there... a small talisman as well. I took out her favorite incense and dropped them into the holders on either side of the headstone. I lit them and knelt in front of the marker. I thought of all of my ancestors, tried to keep each one in my mind for at least a few minutes, but my thoughts kept moving toward my mother. I prayed for what must have been a long time, because when I looked up I saw the sun beginning to set and the lights blinking on in the city. I thought of the families preparing dinner together, enjoying each other. I wondered what my father was doing right now, if he even realized what day it was.

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to bring this."

"How did you know where to come?"

"Your grandfather."

Minako placed a few oranges next to the figs on the mantle and touched the stone, whispering something quietly. Leaning down, she added her own incense to mine in the holders. I didn't quite know what to say. She had walked all the way out here to make an offering to my mother. I was honestly surprised that she remembered it at all. I must have mentioned the date during one of her great question sessions. It was an unexpected and touching gesture. Sighing deeply, I stood up and looked her in the eyes. I was nervous, and I noticed I was fidgeting with my hair. Dropping my hands, I gave her a grossly simplified version of the words dancing around my head.

"Thank you."

She nodded and we began walking home, enjoying the delicious smells wafting from shop windows as we made our way back. I lingered a bit behind her, watching her stroll along the roadside, her hair glowing in the light of the setting sun. She was absolutely beautiful. Could I think that without it meaning that I had feelings for her? I wanted to believe that everything was completely innocent between us. I wanted to think that it was normal to want to kiss a friend once or twice. It wasn't unusual to be scared of letting someone in. I wasn't strange and this wasn't strange. She slowed a bit to match pace with me and took my hand in hers. I didn't pull away, but spent the rest of the walk trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

**Part 19**

Michiru and Haruka had taken our chance encounter as a cue to include me in their outings. I liked being around them because I didn't have to be so aware of myself, so hidden. I was realizing how much time I actually spent making sure that no would have a reason to suspect that anything about me was outside of normal. Everything I said or did was planned and I had set it up that way. I pushed myself all the time to fit into these molds I made. I had wanted to, never questioned it until recently. Now it all felt exhausting, like a job I hated but went to day after day.

I was drunk again. I could have counted the number of times I had ever been drunk on one hand before all of this. I didn't even enjoy being drunk. Alcohol stripped me of all the filters I needed and left me only a stream of consciousness to work with. It made me too honest, too open. The poor unsuspecting blonde next to me was swirling her drink, watching her girlfriend dance with Setsuna. I couldn't stop myself and the words began pouring out of my mouth unchecked. I began yelling my thoughts to Haruka over the pounding music.

"How do you do it?"

"What?"

"Be okay with it? You're so comfortable."

"You didn't exactly look uncomfortable during the whole dancing scenario last time."

"That I get."

"What do you mean?"

"Staying together… what's the point?"

"You don't get long term relationships?"

"I don't understand how you're okay with it."

"What's not to be okay with?"

"When it ends."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It has to, one way or another."

"That's a cheery thought."

"Why put yourself through that?"

"I try not to grapple too much with questions of mortality anymore. How many times have we died?"

"What about that one time we don't come back?"

"I suppose we won't have to worry about it then, since we'll be dead."

"What if it was only one of you?"

"I would still want to have had Michiru in my life."

"That's because you've never lost her."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I just know."

"You mean your mother?"

"How do you…?"

"Usa…now why don't you give me that beer?"

"I'm talking too much aren't I?"

"No no… just want you to say conscious this time, wouldn't want anyone to take advantage of you. You're so much friendlier when you're drunk."

"I'm not normally friendly?"

"Not so much. Let's say reserved…now I know it's all an act."

"Not ALL of it."

"…so who is she?"

"What?"

"The girl that's got you all in a knot?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, people only tend to be that miserable and introspective when they are fighting with themselves over something. So out with it…"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Minako?"

"I don't think about her like that…."

"Wanna know what I think?"

"I don't know, do I?"

"I think you're afraid of wanting."

"What does THAT mean?"

"You don't like to want something…like this girl"

"What about her?"

"You're not afraid of losing her, you're afraid to even admit you want her."

"It's not like I've never been with people before."

"People who want you."

"So?"

"So you have all the control."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. As long as you're fine with being alone."

"I'm not fine with anything anymore."

"How's that?"

"I WAS fine, I had everything planned, I knew what I was doing, how I was going to act, who I was supposed to be."

"Well that sounds boring. Listen, I respect discipline and self-restraint, but there's a time and a place. Lighten up a bit Rei, stop trying to figure everything out…you might even have a little fun."

She winked at me and pulled me out on to the dance floor.

**Part 20**

I heard Haruka gunning it down the deserted street behind me. The stairs looked like a mountain and for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to the top. I looked at them one more time, squared my shoulders and began climbing. A mantra: _I can do this_, played over and over as I climbed one after the other, unduly impressed with my own athleticism. I felt absurdly accomplished when my feet hit the top stair but that excitement faded as I noticed the figure waiting for me, smirk plastered across her face.

"Are you drunk?"

"What?"

"You barely made it up the stairs Rei-chan."

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Yup and you smell like beer."

"What are you doing here at three in the morning anyway? Doesn't Artemis ever worry?"

"He's usually with Luna, besides I'm quiet."

"Apparently. You still haven't answered my question."

"I answered one of them."

"So answer the other."

"I dunno, I can't sleep sometimes."

"And you come here? That doesn't make any sense."

"Why doesn't it make sense?"

"You can't sleep, so you walk a mile in the dark by yourself?"

"To see you."

"Why me?"

"Where were you?"

"At a bar."

"That much I can tell. How did you get home?"

"I got a ride."

"From who?"

"I'm going to sleep."

"Why don't you ever invite me?"

"You wouldn't come."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Oh, okay. Well if you 'just do'."

"I don't have to invite you anywhere and I don't have to explain myself."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Why do you care anyway Minako?"

"Let's sleep, okay?"

I was so fuzzy at this point that I just agreed, following her inside and stripping down before plopping into bed. I could feel her eyes on me, but my thinking was still a bit jumbled. She turned away and I found myself watching Mina as she undressed. The movement of her ribs under her skin as she pulled her shirt off was like some magic trick. Her hands were like liquid in air, nonsensical and unpredictable. They were small, not tiny, but small, and moved only in blurs. Her body was so well built, strong without being masculine in any way. All the volleyball had done her some good… those perfect, impossibly long legs seemed to go on forever. My eyes traced the lines of muscle in her thighs as she leaned over. The excess of visual stimulation seemed to cause a short circuit in my brain, my mouth felt dry.

I guess I still expected her to look the way the she looked when we first met, but she had been right about what she said in the hot springs, we weren't 13 anymore. Unfortunately with my impaired reflexes, she caught me before I could look away. She raised her eyebrow, climbed into my bed and shut off the light. We were both quiet for a long time. I was trying to get a hold of myself.

"I'm sorry Rei-chan. I shouldn't have been so intrusive, but it drives me nuts you won't tell me where you go."

"It's no one else's business."

"Except Ruka's."

"What does THAT mean?"

"I saw her drop you off."

"I don't ask you to come here, and I don't appreciate being spied on."

"I just wish you'd trust me."

**Part 21**

She was nearly hysterical, jumping around the orchard with a letter held in her hand.

"I got a record deal."

"What?"

"I met with the label, Michiru helped me find an agent."

"About time."

"We start recording in a few months."

"You must be excited."

"Yeah."

"You don't sound like it. It's everything you wanted."

"Almost everything."

"What are you talking about?"

"I want to celebrate."

"Okay. What do you want to do?"

"I want you to come out with everyone."

"Where?"

"I'm not telling. It'll be a girls night!"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeease?"

"No way."

"Rei-chan! It won't be the same without you!"

"Alright, okay."

I could have killed myself. I don't know why I said yes. I had no idea what I was getting into. My mind immediately began concocting possible scenarios for the night, all ending with some horrible fight...a combination of the resultant dissolution of our friendship and complete humiliation in front of the rest of our friends. At least I only had two days to let the anxiety build up.

**Part 22**

The flashing of the arcade lights was incredibly disorienting. It was like being trapped inside a pinball machine. I watched Mina and Usa fighting it out on the latest Sailor V game. Usa was slamming the buttons with impressive speed, her tongue peeking out the side of her mouth and I was instantly reminded of why, despite her faults, she was so endearing. I knew before the war had begun that Usa didn't stand a chance, but I kept that to myself. Her inevitable defeat was met with a sobbing wail and I laughed a bit, rolling my eyes.

"Don't laugh at me!"

"You're being so dramatic."

"You're such a meanie! But I'm still glad you came Rei-chan! Where have you been lately anyway?"

Usagi linked her arm with mine, smiling insanely. Though I would never admit it out loud, it was good to see her. That girl had an infectious energy even if she could be mind-numbingly irritating at times. Next to Mina, I felt the most at ease around her. I still fought the strange urge to humble myself before her and confess all my secrets like some pilgrim at an altar. That drive had been with me since she was named our princess. I loved Usa, I loved them all really, I just kept that to myself.

Minako finished typing her initials into the high score slot and turned back around to join us. Everyone was slightly intoxicated at this point. I was pretty tipsy and as I sipped my third drink I heard Minako approaching. She had been openly flirtatious tonight for reasons I didn't understand. I also had a growing suspicion Minako was trying to convince me she was drunker than she actually was. She slithered up to me, sliding her arm around my waist and giving me her best pout.

"You haven't played with me yet. It's your turn."

"What would you like to play?"

"You choose, lady's choice."

"You're not a lady?"

"Not always."

"Okay…how about that one?"

I pointed to some machine at random that seemed... from the elaborate painting on the side... to have something to do with chickens and lasers. I slipped a few tokens in and gripped the trigger. I chanced a glance in her direction and was met with a mischievous smirk. The game started and we slapped through the inane backstory. I had one method of playing video games, which was to pound the trigger and blanket the screen with bullets. It was affective but my lack of strategy infuriated the seasoned gamer in her. Mina stomped off when her character died, leaving me to off the army of zombie hens on my own. I smiled to myself and followed her back to the rest of the group.

Another round of beers arrived along with one of those drinks she had been nursing all night. She took a bottle from the center of the table and slid it my way, nodding at it. I lifted the cool glass to my lips, barely tasting it anymore. Before long we had moved on to some nightclub.

I watched her and the rest of them dancing around in a circle, carefree and silly. Something about the way her shoulder blades moved…I could see them through the open back of her shirt… kami, I was turning into my grandfather. Being around her when I am drunk… awful idea. She saw me looking, locked eyes with me as she swayed and turned in perfect rhythm with the music. I had to turn away, staring into my bottle for help. I checked my phone. It was thankfully close to midnight… I knew Usa wouldn't stay out past then…this would all be over soon. I ordered another beer.

**Part 23**

I waved goodbye to all our friends as they drove away from the park we had all left our cars in front of. It was done, I had survived the night, avoided any sort of life altering mistakes. I was congratulating myself on my incredible self-control when I realized that Minako was still here. I was her ride and I was in questionable shape.

Her voice was suddenly right next to me, tickling my ear. It surprised me and I turned around, her eyes were almost black in the dim light. She didn't look like herself... she seemed dangerous again.

"Take me to that place you go."

"What?"

"I'm not ready to go home yet!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I told you, you wouldn't want to go"

"I don't think you have any idea what I want."

She had pressed herself against me, challenging me with a look that was somewhere between mischievous and combative. That smile, her perfume… I clenched my eyes shut, and squeezed my hands against my jeans. Desire surged up inside me and I panicked, twisting away, trying to put some space between us. I felt like I couldn't breathe…not when I could smell her.

"I can't!"

When I opened my eyes and looked up, her face was unreadable. She was quiet but there was an intensity there, I could feel it radiating off her. My heart was pounding in my ears, the world felt like it was spinning. Mina cocked her head, taking me in.

"Give me your keys."

"Minako…"

"Are you sure about..."

"I danced most of it off. Now give me the keys, I'm taking you home."

I climbed into the passenger seat. I remember watching the sidewalks fly by, sipping at a bottle of water I had in my car until we arrived outside an unfamiliar building. I was still a bit cloudy, but it was quickly wearing off.

"Where are we?"

"My apartment."

"I've never been here."

"I know."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why haven't I been here?"

"It's not like Mako's apartment, or Usa's house, or the shrine…."

It certainly wasn't in the best part of the city, it definitely wasn't in the best of shape, and it was unquestionably small. That aside, it was a pretty average apartment considering the ones I had seen and been in. She had small things that made it her own everywhere though, a karaoke machine tucked in the corner, photos of all of us. She shouldn't feel embarrassed, I didn't want her to be.

"It's an apartment, it looks like any other apartment I have ever been in."

"And just how many have you been in?"

I chose not to answer and looked away. I tried to find something to focus on, wanting to stay the swaying of the room. I could feel something was different, even the air felt strange in my lungs.

"You need to eat something Rei-chan."

She left and came back into the room with an assortment of snacks and some more water. I sat myself on the couch, grabbing a cookie and taking some sips of the cool liquid. We ate in silence, or more accurately I ate and she was silent. We popped a movie in, neither of us really paid attention to it, but by the middle I had sobered up. Her thoughts were clearly someplace else. One arm rested on her stomach, the other was up by her neck where her fingers absent-mindedly tapped out a rhythm against her chest. I stupidly let my mind wander, imagining what the skin there would smell like, taste like. I shouldn't be here…that need, the gnawing ache was coming back. I knew all the reasons why not, I had gone over them a hundred times in my head, but watching her breasts rise and fall as she breathed… I couldn't think of a single one. I felt ashamed, like an animal.

Maybe Haruka was right, I was afraid to want someone, but I had cause to be. As the film ended she turned to her side, facing me.

"Rei…"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever wanted someone you shouldn't?"

"…Minako don't be stu"

"Please Rei, just answer me this time."

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you nicely…"

"…Yes, I have."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." I pleaded with her silently to do the same. _Do nothing Mina..._ just act like nothing is happening…please.

"What?"

"I ignored it."

"Do they go away? The thoughts… when you look at her?"

"Her?" If she was trying to catch me, I wouldn't make it that easy. I pretended to be surprised and saw a flicker of something I couldn't name flash across her face. I didn't understand what was going on.

"You don't ever wonder when you look at me?"

"Wonder what?"

"What it would be like to do this?" She took my hand and passed it over her ribs, up the side of her breast. It sent a lightning bolt straight through me. I whipped my arm away, sat upright and stared at her in shock. I held my hand as though it had been burned.

"I can't!"

"Why can't you?" Her blue eyes were boring into me, searching. I was shaking, but she was undeterred. She straddled my waist, touching my cheek. I felt the heat of her body through my jeans… her skirt was so short. "I'm not afraid of this." She whispered the words against my ear. I felt her teeth on my earlobe. Until now, I had always been on the opposite end of this. She was seducing me, doing an amazing job actually. I was afraid, even if she wasn't…terrified by how much I wanted her to touch me, frightened by how close I was to giving in. It all felt so different than I was used to, not like a game at all.

She pulled away and stared at my mouth. Tracing my bottom lip with her thumb, she watched her hand as though she wasn't sure it belonged to her…it was too much. I let my mouth open, let her finger fall inside, closed my lips around it, ran my tongue along its underside, bite gently at its tip. Another jolt shot through me as she moaned softly, whispering my name, hoarse and shuddering. She reluctantly drew her hand back and then her lips were on mine, whole body leaning in to me.

I drowned in the sighs, the look in her eyes… the tingle of her glowing skin brushing mine… her voice saying my name again. I wanted more immediately. My mind was rebelling against even the idea of thinking. For once in my life, at the least appropriate time, things seemed simple. Every thought boiled down to a deceptively uncomplicated conclusion. If I wanted it and it was there… I could.

**Part 24**

I stood on the small balcony outside her bedroom. It faced the outside of the building next door...I could see the cracks in the brick. I was no longer above the city, safe in my shrine, I was in it… this was too real. I felt exposed and pulled her robe tighter around me. Watching her sleep, I wondered how she could be so relaxed, so peaceful when we had just spent the last few hours dismantling my life from the inside out. Things could never be the same, this would change everything. I had let her touch me in a way I had never let anyone. I could never take it back. Part of me wanted to wake her up, beg her to never tell, to forget everything, that it was just some mistake…part of me was deeply ashamed at having let this happen.

There was another part of me that seemed to have come loose. There was a new lightness, something that felt almost like relief. I was not sure which part I was crying for right now, maybe both. They were silent tears, always silent tears and they felt hot as they hit my chest.

The same thought kept popping into my head. Minako was a woman. By the same token I was a woman. This wasn't just a drunken night and we weren't girls anymore. There was no laughing this off, no raking it over. It wasn't a power struggle or for sport. When she touched me, kissed me... she meant it and that realization was like a fist squeezing my insides. I couldn't stay, I had thought I could…but I had to leave. The weight of what had happened was suffocating. She was on the verge of starting a career, she wouldn't be able to stay here. There was no point in opening up myself up so completely when it was all destined to end... when I did not know that I could accept it. I hated myself as I put on my clothes, hated myself even more when I slipped out the front door, and was thoroughly disgusted while I watched her apartment fade from the rear view mirror.

**Part 25**

"This is very good."

"Thank you."

We sipped at the soup and picked at the rice balls I had made in the common room. It was rare that we had a homemade dinner together and it was honestly wonderful, something like a regular family.

"Where has that friend of yours been lately?"

"Minako?"

"Yes, she hasn't been over to help me with my sweeping in awhile."

"You have me and Yuuchiro to help you, besides, it's only been a week."

"A week is a long time. You two aren't fighting are you?"

"No."

"Good…I like her."

"You like any cute girl Grandpa."

"She's very respectful, she's good… all the way through."

"Yes, she is."

"You know something?"

"What?"

"I think you're mother would have liked her too."

He winked at me and tottered off to his room. I watched him go, and when I knew he was in bed I flopped back on the cushions and stared at the ceiling beams. I would never know if he was right about my mother, but it was a nice thought…not that it mattered at the moment anyway. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered how much longer I could keep pretending nothing had happened. She hadn't come looking for me either. Two possibilities came to mind. One, it had meant nothing to her and therefore she had no concerns about it whatsoever or two, it had meant something to her in which case she was probably very angry at me. I didn't really like either scenario. This week felt like constant free fall, every time I would get a foothold some thought would knock me off again. If I was honest, underneath all the confusion... I missed her. A ding that signaled a new text message disturbed the silence.

**Part 26**

I walked out into the orchard and there she was in her blue dress. I couldn't read her, she was facing away from me, but I could see her arms were crossed. I didn't know what to say, what to do, so I tried to fall back into my usual blank faced indifference...TA Rei. I was surprised by how much I had to force it.

"You left."

"I told you I couldn't."

"But you DID, we did Rei…and you left."

It wasn't what I had expected her to say and I had no idea how to tell her why I had done it. I didn't really even understand it myself. I wanted something easy, something normal. I couldn't understand why it felt so simple or so right to be with her when everything else in this world told me it wasn't, it shouldn't. The only phrase that kept running through my mind was 'I don't want this'. I didn't want this, I didn't want to be standing here like this with her, I didn't want things to be hard anymore. Something horrible was growing inside me, I was suddenly angry, angry at her, at myself, at everything for making my life this painful, this complicated.

"You're making too much of it."

"I'm making too much of it?"

"We were drunk Mina."

"STOP! Stop pretending with me! I know you…"

She turned around and looked at me, with those ocean blue eyes full of hurt and I felt my stomach flip. I felt myself crumbling in front of her, the tears were stinging the corner of my eyes. The anger dissolved into a deep aching sadness. She took my hands in hers, moved close to me, rested her forehead on mine.

"I know you Rei-chan."

I wanted to run from the whispered words, from her breath on my lips, the taste of my own tears. I pulled back, but made myself stay.

"This isn't simple Minako."

"Why?"

"How could you think it is?"

"…I…it is for me."

"Well it isn't for me."

"Why not?"

"It's my life Minako, this isn't how it was supposed to be."

"Because I'm a girl?"

It was too much and I slumped down on to the grass. The sleeves of my miko uniform felt so heavy as I lifted my arms to rest them on my knees. She sat down beside me, so patient, trying to understand in spite of all my resisting and I decided I had to explain myself... I owed it to her.

"No one was supposed to know. It was supposed to be a secret."

"You could have told me."

"I didn't want this. I'd never let anyone actually…before we…I didn't want it to ever mean…"

She looked at me wide eyed. I hadn't told her that she was the first person to ever touch me like that. I hadn't told her anything really. I was embarrassed by my constant emotional floundering, it was easier to act like I didn't care. She seemed like a bird, sailing through all this on a gentle breeze.

"…read my mind Rei."

After a moment of indecision, I gave in to her. I opened myself up to her energy. I could feel it passing between us and watched as she let her eyes fall closed. An overwhelming warmth… calm yet bright, happy yet sensual filled me completely. It was like red wine by a fire, or tasting something exquisite for the first time, or a memory of some new sensation so wonderful that it became the measure for every other experience. The intensity of it overloaded my senses, was absolutely intoxicating. It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever felt. There was something else though, a connection, a knowledge of each other that seemed ancient…like it belonged, had always been. It was unexplainable, indescribable, but so solidly there. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the new sensations still coursing through me until her voice broke me out of the trance.

"That is how you make me feel, how I feel every time I see you, when I think about you, multiply that times one hundred and that's how it feels to kiss you…I'm not imagining this, you feel something, I know you do."

She seemed to be almost talking to herself. She had a given me an out, but I knew with a sudden certainty I wouldn't take it. I couldn't lie to her, not after seeing her so vulnerable. I did as she asked, I stopped pretending. Once our lips met this time, once her perfume hit I was sure I could never have gone without. It was me that initiated the kiss, that pulled her close, secreted her away, took my time on her, the whole time wondering what it was I had been fighting against for so long.

I knew it would not be the smoothest of roads between us, but I was starting to believe Minako was right. Maybe one way or another, no matter how tangled, or complicated, or painful, things could sort themselves out again. Maybe this was worth it, maybe I needed to be pulled apart to start again.


	2. Minako

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters.

**Deconstruction: Minako  
><strong>By Victoria G.

**Part 1**

I was walking through a park. On my left, there was a dark forest so overgrown that you couldn't really see more than a few feet in. On my right, there was a desert and if I went toward it, I could feel the dry hot air starting to pull the moisture right out of my skin. I was looking for something, I wasn't sure what, but I was hoping whatever it was didn't take me into either of the two landscapes. I wandered around the grass area I was standing in looking out into both places, not seeing anything, everything around me was silent. I sat down, confused and still with the aching, empty feeling of something lost overwhelming me. Out of the corner of my eye, a new shape caught my attention. It was a tree, a huge tree, far off in the desert and I could see a girl sitting beneath it. The white and red of her uniform were unmistakable…Rei…and I knew suddenly that I was supposed to find her here. I stood up and called to her, but she was too far away to hear me, so I began to walk toward her. After a few minutes I could tell I was getting closer, but she still couldn't hear me. I began to run toward her, I could see her face, she looked at me, and then I felt the land beneath me shift... sucking backwards so fast that everything was a blur and I was back where I started. I ran again, same thing, and again, but this time she seemed to be pulled away as well, the distance between us growing. I kept trying until I was so tired and frustrated that I fell to the ground.

I woke up still spitting imaginary sand grains out of my mouth. Grabbing the water I always kept by my bedside, I took big gulps, trying to wash the feeling away. I had always been a vivid dreamer. Nightmares or fantasies, they always had details, characters, plots, meanings. I think that's where I banish all my thoughts to… but lately, I have been dreaming about Rei. I would dream that I needed to tell her something, that I could see her, but couldn't get over to her. The closer I would move toward her, the farther away she would get. I would wake up with a strange feeling in my chest like the wind had been knocked out of me. That feeling would keep me up at night, thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, if she was okay. Going over to see her, the questions, it all started because I couldn't sleep.

I'm not a deep thought kinda girl. I never have been. I wonder sometimes what it must be like to have a brain that works that way, Ami's brain maybe, a computer calculating the mathematical possibility of things turning out one way or another. I think that's why I ended up being the senshi of love. Fire, ice, thunder... those all take control and discipline, but love is gonna happen when it feels like it and where it feels like it. We are the same that way, not very good planners. We work on a more moment to moment basis.

It was always a problem between my parents and I…too impulsive, not focused enough… I can't even really argue with them. It's hard for me to understand why people value restraint so much…why everyone thinks that not eating that piece of candy or hiding your feelings is such admirable trait. I'm not saying I think everyone should go out gobbling up sweets and crying in public, but I think denying something just to deny it, well, that doesn't make much sense either.

With all that impulsivity and energy, I was never very good at school. I would watch Ami scan over a page once and be able to recall it on command, Makoto working diligently because it never came naturally to her, Usa looking at her books as if they were some Youma ready to attack her, and Rei quietly making her way through. I would look at the same page, read the same thing over and over…but nothing stuck, it was all just letters floating in space or pieces that didn't seem to connect. It was like reading a language you didn't understand phonetically. Were they words and real concepts? Yes. Did they really sink in…almost never. I remembered sitting in a room with my mother when I younger, them telling her there was a problem with my reading. If you asked her, I'm sure she'd say I never tried hard enough… that there was no issue. Either way I figured out how to get by. I would listen to people talking about the subject and I could understand it, ask people to draw pictures and it would make enough sense for me to barely pass the course. I didn't really try anymore, it was too disappointing and I realized that my only option for success was something different. I was athletic, I could sing. I threw myself into the dream, making it into something I always wanted. I never had to explain my lack of interest in school. Sitting in those study sessions, I knew I would never get as far as most of my friends academically. Usa was the exception. She would marry Mamoru and more than likely forget about college. Ami would become a doctor, Mako would go to culinary school, and Rei she would be a head priestess. Me…well, it was a make or break scenario. I would either end up living my dream or I would work some silly job until crystal Tokyo rolled around.

As it turns out, we ended up exactly as I'd predicted...even me. I work at the arcade serving food, making shakes, posting high scores toward the end of my shift. I made enough to get out of my parents house and into my own little apartment. I took a class or two here and there. When I got home I would do one of two things. Sometimes I would head over to my neighbor, Hideki's. An aspiring musician, he had converted his tiny office into a rough recording studio. He had a real passion for sad, slow love songs and every once in awhile I would humor him and sing something he wrote. I would convince him to sing it for me first, so I could hear the words.

Or two… I would go see Rei. I was beginning to notice a change in her. She was…I don't know…unsettled. We had been best friends for years now and I was used to her being guarded and intensely private, but these dreams and the emotion I could see leaking through her defenses. . .it was like constant pressure, slowly squeezing the breath out of me.

**Part 2**

We were waiting for the others in a park one day. She was staring off into space, and as ever… she was quiet. I had always wondered what kind of psychic powers Rei had. If she was listening to the people in the park, could she hear their secrets…their thoughts? She never really appeared interested in using those abilities. If I had psychic powers I would certainly be finding ways to have fun with them. That's probably why I don't have them actually...

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know what I'm thinking?"

"What?"

"I mean…. You're psychic right? So do you know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Don't be foolish."

I don't really know what kind of answer I was expecting, didn't think about it really. I should have known that she would just blow me off. Rei IS a deep thoughts kind of girl, but she is also an 'I don't want to talk about it' kind of girl. The annoying part about all of that is that I know her well enough to understand that she's thinking something, but she won't tell me what... most of the time she won't even admit that she is thinking anything at all. Her evasiveness didn't stop me from asking more questions. It was like with that one question, I had opened some gate in my head that I couldn't shut. I wondered about everything now, about her daily routines, her faith, the silence, trying to find a reason for the dreams, for the change in her. Another question came to me one day while I was watching her feed the fire she prayed at.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Is that some sort of special fire?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you see things in all fire or only that special fire?"

"It's called a sacred fire."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I have chores to do."

I usually understand people pretty well... I get them. Each time she dodged my questions, I was seeing a bit more of her. I could tell which sorts of things she really didn't want to talk about. What I didn't understand, was why she didn't want to talk about them.

**Part 3**

We had all gone to a concert together, Haruka and Michiru were performing in town. I noticed when I got there, Rei had taken the aisle seat…I wondered if it was deliberate. She didn't even look my way. I took a seat at the opposite end of our reserved section, as far away as I could, not sure if she was upset at me. I practically had to drag her here, pretty much badgered her into it.

Ruka and Michi were so amazing to watch together, so attuned to each other and so incredibly talented on top of it. You could see how much they loved each other in every move they made and it made my heart ache to watch. There was something beautiful in seeing two people who are absolutely meant to be. I let my thoughts wander where they might and imagined what it would be like to be up on that stage performing myself, if I would ever really get there. I glanced over at Rei and she was listening with her eyes closed. She was clearly moved by the music...it was doing something to her and for no reason I could guess, I found it kinda hard to look away. In my distracted state, I was startled by the applause that broke out after their last number.

I made my way out to the sidewalk, wanting to see if I could get a beat on whether or not Rei was upset with me. I caught sight of her trying to hail a cab. Before I could say anything, the backdoor of the theatre opened and our two headlining friends snuck out, sharing a quick kiss, hands intertwined.

"Do you think everyone finds that kind of love?"

"What?" I clearly startled her.

"Haruka and Michiru I mean."

"Stop spying. They don't need you watching them."

"I just think it's so beautiful. Don't you?"

I looked back at the building to see if Haruka and Michiru were still there, and I heard a car door slam behind me. When I turned around I saw a cab speeding off. With a deep sigh, I started my walk home, wishing her a peaceful night.

**Part 4**

We all had gotten together at the shrine. We never seemed to have broken that habit. I found myself stealing glances at her over my magazine to see if I could sense anything from her. Nothing… she was as stone-faced as ever. She never even looked back at me, just chatted with Usa about this and that, congratulated Ami on her most recent article, promised Mako she would taste-test her sushi, but not even a smile in my direction.

I hung back afterward, watching her straightening the talismans and charms on the cart that stood at the shrine's entrance. I knew they were prayers, names of different kami, for protection, luck, happiness…. but I had no idea which were which. I wondered if the kami had a face. So many of the girls I knew in England had been Christian, Rei herself went to a Catholic school, but I couldn't imagine they looked anything like Jesus.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"What do they look like?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The kami. You must be able to see them or feel them or something."

"Don't be foolish."

"You used that one already."

"Huh?"

"The 'don't be foolish' thing. You are gonna have to find another way to not answer me. "

"I have chores to do."

"Used that one too! Why don't you want to talk about this stuff?"

"Why are you so nosy?"

"You are going to have to do better than that Hino Rei."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Why do I want to know about what?"

"Why do you care about me being psychic or a miko? Why all the questions?"

"I've never been friends with a psychic or a miko before."

"So you thought I'd like to sit around and satisfy your curiosity?"

"No, I was just wondering."

"I wish you would leave me alone."

I could see she was upset. . .that talking about anything dealing with the shrine or Shinto really did bother her. It was weird to think that something she loved that much was a sensitive issue to her. I knew her defensiveness wasn't personal, but it still cut me a bit. There was so much anger inside her...it was like a mask she wore so well that sometimes I couldn't even recognize her. I let it go, grabbing my backpack and headed off to work.

**Part 4**

Things carried on like that for awhile and I gave her space to breathe, meeting her eyes, giving her a smile, things to peak her curiosity and then I would leave with all the others. I worked on a new song with Hideki, he was adding in guitar lines now. I actually liked the way it was coming out, my voice seemed to fit his lyrics for once. It was called "Nothing is Ever Simple" and I think it was about his last girlfriend. It was a few weeks before I got up the nerve to go to the shrine again. She wasn't as receptive as I hoped, but I couldn't stand not seeing her anymore.

"Rei?"

"I thought I asked you to leave me alone."

"You did."

"So why are you here?"

"Because I don't think that is what you really want."

"Is that so?"

"Yup. I think you want to talk about all that stuff. I think you want me to hang around. We've been friends for too long, I know how you think."

"I told you I don't want you here and I don't want to talk about it. Why would I say that if I wanted you wasting my time with ridiculous questions?"

I moved closer to her, knowing it was a bit of a risk. I wanted her to understand that I saw all this for what it was. "Because you're scared."

She laughed sarcastically, but I think she knew it sounded forced. I lifted my eyebrow and walked away. I honestly wasn't sure whether this was progress or not. Maybe the dream had been a warning, that trying to get close would push her away. I tried not to think about it too much. Before there were so many distractions, battles and school work, now there was just us. I could tell our conversations made her nervous, but I wanted to know her and I wanted her to know me.

**Part 5**

I had brought them all a copy of my demo, she said nothing when I handed her one. The only change I could see was that she was now making a show being annoyed by me…trying to drive me away. Even though I knew she was acting, it hurt my feelings. I played the game right back and pretended I didn't notice, smiling when she was curt, laughing when she was insulting. I could feel an itchy sort of frustration building inside me. I wasn't someone who dealt well with unspokens. If there was something that needed talking about, I liked to talk about it, get it out and over with. I hung back again while everyone gathered their things, determined to clear the air.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"You don't have anything to say?"

"Should I?

Throwing up my hands, I turned to go. I wanted to be closer with her, we were friends... but this was bordering on masochism.

"It's like warmth…"

"Huh?"

"The kami… they feel like warmth or sometimes like a breeze"

There was something different in her voice, a weakness that made me stop and turn around. I met her eyes and put my bag on the ground, sitting back down.

"…they don't look like anything I can name, just a glow really, different color lights… not like actual objects"

"Do you see them all the time?"

"Always."

"Because you're a priestess?"

"Because I was born that way, like my mother."

"Was she psychic too?"

"A bit, yes."

"So you CAN read my mind."

"Not in the way you think, but yes…if I wanted to."

"Are you reading it right now?"

"No."

"Wow."

"What?"

"I dunno, that's pretty amazing is all."

"I guess."

"No, it is. I better head home! But I'll see you later Rei-chan!" I gave her a kiss on the cheek, I'm not sure why, it just popped into my head to do. I wanted to end the conversation before it got awkward, before she found any reason not to talk like this with me again.

**Part 6**

I thought maybe things would go smoother if I kept it on her terms. I wanted to see what she did, day-to-day…so I started coming over, helping her with the chores in the morning before I had to work. We swept the walkways, carried wood in for the sacred fire, weeded around the orchard, cleaned the windows, always in silence. I watched her as she worked, every move she made seemed purposeful and practiced, graceful and proper. She was everything she was supposed to be, but I knew there was more hiding somewhere underneath it all. I wondered if she kept herself alone because she hoped no one would notice that she wasn't who she seemed. Someone as beautiful as she was, men noticed her, but she never seemed to pay any attention to them.

"How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

"What?"

"Men are always falling all over themselves for you."

"Well men are idiots."

"Most girls would kill for that kind of attention."

"They can have it."

I was surprised by the intensity of her reaction. I thought about love all the time, emotional love, romantic love, physical love, it was always buzzing around in there. I thought everyone was like that, but Rei…she reacted to the mention of love, relationships, like we were talking about a food she hated. It was a totally foreign mindset for me. I wondered if she didn't spend her nights thinking about love, watching others fall in love on TV, or listening to a song about love, what was there left?

"So what do you do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"After all your chores are done…what do you do?"

"What do you think I do?"

"I dunno. But it's gotta be something more exciting then what I do."

"Which is?"

"Blech…eat, school work, read comics, watch TV, listen to some music. . .the usual stuff."

"You don't think I do those kinds of things?"

"You said you hate TV"

"Besides TV."

"I dunno, I guess I picture you doing something more worthwhile with your time."

"Such as?"

"Meditating or reading books I could never understand, stuff like that."

"I meditate in the morning mostly."

"Yeah yeah, 4am. We're all impressed. Okay, so if I wasn't here, what would you be doing?"

She looked uneasy and I wasn't sure if she was actually going to answer me or not.

"Watching the sunset from the orchard."

"Can I watch it with you?"

"I guess… since you don't seem to take 'no' for an answer."

That was probably the most positive response I would get from her, so I took it. I didn't have to work tonight, so I figured I would stay and see what she liked so much about the sunset.

**Part 7**

It was a Wednesday night and I didn't have to work. Hideki wasn't home, so I decided to make my way over to the shrine. She was starting to tell me things, whether or not it was by accident I couldn't tell. I knew where she'd be, in that corner of the orchard she told me she used to watch the sunset with her mother. She didn't disappoint and I was happy to see she had saved some food for me, starving artist that I was. I took off my shoes and devoured the leftovers.

I was falling in love with this place, the smell of the cherry trees, the grass between my toes, the view of the city, and Rei where she was the happiest. Seeing her so peaceful made me stare, made my whole body warm. After awhile I would have to lay on my back, pretending to watch the sky just to stop looking at her.

"It's so beautiful."

"What is?"

"Being out here. Away from the city."

"You're not away from the city, you're in the middle of it."

"Fine. It feels like I am floating above it then."

And it did. It was so warm, so comfortable that I fell asleep before the sun even made it all the way down. As the moon rose, I dreamt that I was in the park in the center of the city, children running all around me. I saw a little girl scream as she fell from a swing and skinned her knee. It was Usa and I scooped her up, taking her to a nearby bench, putting a bandaid on her knee, drying her tears, and shooing her back to swings. I sat on the bench watching the other children, wondering where their parents were…nervous that I was in charge. I saw Ami and Mako making a castle in the sandbox on my left. I watched as Ami designed and her little brunette friend constructed. Then I saw a little girl off in the distance sitting underneath a tree, watching everyone else. I walked over and looked down at her, crouching to meet her eyes. It was Rei. She looked up at me, but said nothing. I felt myself waking up and half-way between the dream and being awake I called to her.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

I heard her answer, then saw the night sky above me. I had no idea how long I had been asleep for.

"What time is it?"

"Late."

She looked sad again, not like she had before I fell asleep. She was off someplace in that head of hers.

"You okay?"

"Of course I am."

"Of course." I repeated her before I could catch myself. It was so typical of her, a girl who was never really okay, to act as if it was bizarre to even consider that she might not be.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. I really should head home. "

I could tell she was slightly hurt, but I didn't know what to say, it was a long walk and I couldn't bring myself to ask her to let me stay.

**Part 8**

I was back at that playground with all the child versions of my friends. They were in the same places as before, doing the same things as before. I walked over to the tree where Rei was sitting and crouched down again, smiling at her. She smiled back this time.

"Can I sit here?"

"Mmm hmm."

"What are you doing here all by yourself?"

"I'm not by myself, I'm with the flowers"

I noticed all the different color wild flowers growing around the massive tree trunk.

"They're very pretty. Do you want me to pick one for you?"

"No! They're happy in the ground."

"Don't you want to go play with everyone else?"

"I don't know."

"Are you scared?"

"It's not safe."

"Who says?"

She didn't answer me. I watched as she stood up, kicking her feet into place in her shoes, tracing her tiny fingers along the bark of the tree. It sounded almost like she was whispering to it.

"I don't know Rei… it looks pretty fun to me."

I could tell she was thinking, considering her options. I watched her shifting her weight from leg to leg, before finally looking up at me.

"If I go, will you watch the flowers for me?"

"I'll stay right here."

I watched her run off, glancing back at me over her shoulder before joining a game of tag in progress. I watched over them protectively as they bounced around, ducking behind this or that, so carefree. I felt a tiny rumble. I looked around, not seeing anything out of the ordinary. I went back to watching them play when suddenly the ground was shaking violently beneath me, the soil and gravel tumbling through cracks forming everywhere. It all became chaos and screams, while the whole world seemed to collapse. The motion made it impossible to balance myself, and I fell each time I tried to stand. I yelled for them, but I couldn't pick out their voices, there was so much noise. I couldn't even really focus on anything because of the intense motion, but I caught Rei's eyes, wide and full of terror as the earth she was standing on deteriorated beneath her. She tumbled into the blackness that was swallowing everything around me. I lunged for her and felt myself slipping, the ground beneath me falling to pieces and I was surrounded by the darkness. It with thick and I could feel it grabbing at me. I was pulled further down and I could see the only survivor, the tree and its roots, fading from sight.

I woke myself up screaming, sitting bolt upright. The sound echoed off the walls and I tried to catch my breath. I swung my legs over the side of the bed. I hated nightmares, especially now that I lived alone. I fumbled with the light and looked over at the clock. I felt nauseas and shaky at the thought of having to stay in the apartment by myself all night. It was past midnight, but I knew if I stayed here I wouldn't sleep at all.

I slipped on the nearest piece of clothing, my favorite dress, and grabbed my keys, cell phone, and communicator. I walked to the Hikawa Jinja praying Rei wouldn't kill me for waking her up. I couldn't seem to warm myself or stop the trembling in my hands. I kept seeing her eyes and then her little body slipping away into the blackness. I felt like I had to hear her voice, I needed to know she was okay. I dialed her number, panicking a bit when it went to voicemail. As soon as I hung up, the rain started.

I ran in the dark, wet and cold, I ran up the stairs to the shrine, still panting as I made my way to her window. I was working at the edge of terror, adrenaline and fear overriding my logic. I tapped lightly on the glass, called her phone again… no answer. Reluctantly I took out the communicator. When she answered, I felt my heart finally start to beat again.

"Rei?"

"What's going on?"

"I'm outside your window."

"What are you doing outside my window?"

"Let me in, okay?"

"Is something attacking us?"

"No. Just open up."

"Absolutely not."

"Why?"

"It's 2:50 in the morning. Go home."

"Please just let me in."

"I said 'no'"

"Fine. I'll find a way in myself."

I didn't have the words to argue with her, I needed to see her standing in front of me, breathing and alive. I needed to be inside somewhere, not alone in the dark. I didn't care if I was being pushy or rude at the moment. As I pulled at the window, I felt a hand on my shoulder and spun around to find myself face-to-face with her. She had clearly been out somewhere, she was dressed up for it, her hair up in a deliberately messy way. She looked… I couldn't seem to really think with her face so close to mine.

"What do you want?"

"Wow….where were you?"

"None of your business. Why are you here?"

"You look great."

"I asked you a question."

"I… can I stay here tonight?"

"I already answered that, didn't I?"

"Rei…"

She was serious, she wasn't going to let me stay. She was so mad at me, but I couldn't bear the thought of going home, I needed another human near me right now. I was so tired, and her eyes felt like they were tearing me to pieces. I felt stupid, embarrassed, scared, cold, and before I knew it I was crying. I flung myself at her, holding on just so I wouldn't have to see her looking at me like that anymore. I was surprised when she hugged me back. She was solid and real…inches taller than me in her heels. The deep spice like smell of her perfume and the warmth of her body felt like a blanket around me and I breathed it in as if it could calm me. I spoke my feelings aloud, my mind so disorganized and jumbled that I didn't even think to keep it to myself.

"You smell good."

"Your clothes are wet."

"It was raining."

"How long have you been out here?"

"I dunno… two hours or something."

"Two hours?"

"You didn't answer your phone."

"I didn't take it with me."

"Where did you go?"

"Out."

"You're not going to tell me are you?"

"No. Let's go inside, okay?"

"Sure."

I followed her in to the shrine, taking off my muddy sandals, trying to be as quiet as possible. As I shut the screen to her room, I noticed her staring at me. She had a look on her face I couldn't read at all. I watched her watching me, until she turned around and started digging in her closet. She tossed me some dry clothes. I pulled off my wet dress immediately, happy at the prospect of being warm again. I turned to face her, almost hypnotized by her appearance. The eyeliner, the shine of her lips, the clothes that fit her so well… she was beautiful in a dangerous sort of way. I pitied the men that must have fumbled terribly trying to strike up a conversation with her tonight.

"Did you do your make-up?"

"Huh?"

"Your make-up. It looks amazing. Did you do it?"

"Yeah, uh yes. I did."

"Oh no…I got your jacket wet."

"Yeah, hopefully I can get it dry cleaned." I wondered if she knew how she sounded, if she was intentionally rude or just insensitive. Either way, it was getting under my skin.

"You're such a jerk."

"Excuse me?"

"How about 'don't worry about it' maybe something that would tell me you cared? "

She was quiet for a minute and I wondered if she would kick me out. I was, after all, intruding on her in the middle of the night, demanding to stay, and having the guts to be offended when she was less than gentle with me. Rei surprised me again.

"Minako…I'm sorry, that was rude."

She grabbed some clothes and headed off to the bathroom without another word. I sat on her bed cautiously, testing it, noticing how much more comfortable it was than mine. I climbed under the covers, closing my eyes, enjoying the subtle smell of that same perfume on her pillow. She didn't say anything when she returned from the bathroom either, just climbed into bed as far to the opposite edge as she could. There was tension radiating off her in waves and it kept me awake, making my skin tingle, my nerves twitch until I had to talk.

"I had a nightmare."

"About what?"

"Us dying. "

"I've dreamt about that too."

"You… all of you… died and I couldn't save you. I couldn't do anything."

"It was just a dream."

"I know." That somehow didn't make it any better for me, but just the fact that she was here helped me sleep.

**Part 9**

It was a beautiful summer evening and I had been outside all day. Usa and I had met up for ice cream and I listened to her gush over wedding plans. I stirred my dessert, making it into a soup of hot fudge and chocolate ice cream, waiting until the texture was perfect to take my first bite. Usa… maybe the only person I knew who was more open and unrestrained than me. I felt so normal around her and as different as we were, she probably understood me better than anyone else. I never had to try. I hoped things would get to that point between Rei and I.

"What's wrong Mina-chan?"

"Nothing's wrong"

"Are you sure?"

"I haven't been sleeping well."

"Bad dreams again?"

She knew, had known for awhile about my nightmares. I never told her what they were except in the vaguest of terms. She frowned at me and gave me her best concerned look. I shrugged the whole thing off and she happily went on about florists and I leant my opinion on bridesmaid dresses. She left after giving me a rib crushing hug and I spent an hour or so wandering the city streets, popping in to all my favorite shops. After awhile I realized I had been slowly making my way toward the shrine. As I turned the corner, a small restaurant I had never noticed before caught my eye and I decided if I was going to show up uninvited, I might as well bring some dinner with me.

I looked around the grounds and orchard, searching all her usual spots, but couldn't find her anywhere.

"She's not home."

I turned around to see Rei's grandfather smiling up at me, broom in his hand.

"Sorry…" I bowed to him. "Would you let her know I brought this for her?" I offered the food.

"Stay. You can help an old man sweep. She'll be home soon."

We cleared the last of the walkways around the shrine together. The whole time, I felt his eyes on me, and I smiled to myself while I imagined Rei's outraged reaction to his less than subtle stares. We put everything away and locked the shed just as I had with Rei before. He thanked me and retreated into the building as Rei came trotting up the stairs. She was wearing a pair of tight black knee length shorts and a tank top. Tiny beads of sweat covered her arms and I found I had a curious reaction to seeing her that way.

"Were you running?"

"Good guess."

"Cranky. I brought you some dinner. Don't worry, I didn't make it."

"Thank you, but I need to take a shower first."

"Can I watch?" I winked at her, curious to see how she would react.

"Ecchi."

Why in the world did I say that? I had a sudden realization as I waited. I might have a bit of a crush on her. That in itself wasn't strange, I had crushes all the time. A crush on another girl was different for me though. I mean, I had thought other girls were beautiful before, admired their hair, their shoes, but never really thought about what it would be like to lick the sweat off their arm. That was a new thing…I giggled a bit. Of all the girls I could possibly have a crush on, it had to be her.

**Part 10**

"This is good."

"Yeah! It's from this cute little shop down the street on the corner…." She frowned. "What?"

"Nothing…"

"You sure?"

"I listened to your demo today."

"You did?" My stomach turned inside out and I braced myself.

"Yes…it was good."

"You think so? I haven't sent it anywhere yet."

"What was the point of making it then?"

"Well I want to send it out…"

"So why don't you?"

"I think I need to maybe get my head out of the clouds, maybe think about going to college fulltime and stuff."

"You hate school."

"Yeah, I know."

"Why go to all the auditions then?"

"I don't know, I do want to do it, I just feel like maybe I'm wasting my time."

"Who told you that?"

"What?"

"Not to send it out."

"…my parents."

"Have they heard it?"

"No."

She had a point, I didn't really know what I was waiting for. I knew two things: if I didn't send it in I would never get to where I wanted, but if I didn't send it in I could never be rejected either.

"Do you think I could do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be a pop star."

"Not if you don't send that tape out."

"Rei."

"Well just because you chase idols, doesn't mean you'll end up one."

"Wow. Thanks."

"I meant you can't expect that it'll happen just like that." I don't think I was ready for tough love quite yet.

"Jeez, nevermind, okay?"

"Don't be so sensitive. You're talented, you're attractive, you just need to actually go for it."

"You think I'm attractive?"

She rolled her eyes at me and I smirked, too happy to be affected by it.

**Part 11**

It was an insane night at work. When things were this busy, I thought of my job as just another video game. I moved from table to table with points allotted for speed, accuracy, and bonuses for any specials ordered. I was good at it, friendly, flirty…not that I would ever want to do it forever, but I had fun with it. Besides, I was in a great mood today. At the end of night, after close, I pulled up a stool, sipping at the water Motoki had left for me. We always seemed to close together.

"Who is he?"

"What?"

"You're glowing Minako."

"I am not."

"Yes you are. You have that crush face you get any time some cute guy strolls in."

"I can't just have a good day?" He looked at me, eyebrow raised.

"Okay, okay…you're right." I felt myself biting my lip and was embarrassed by my own giddiness. Over the past few weeks what was a little crush, a stray thought now and then, was becoming a monster.

"So."

"Not yet, too soon."

He threw me a dishtowel. "If you're not gonna tell me, at least clean the tables."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and flipped my hair, pretending to walk away in a huff. As I sprayed down the tabletops and put the chairs up, I thought about my brunch tomorrow with Rei, annoyed that I couldn't stop smiling. This was getting dangerous. She was going to notice if I couldn't pull myself together.

**Part 12**

She had blown me off for breakfast. I was nervous now that I had done something or said something too obvious or too forward. I had let the excitement of something new get in the way, hadn't paid attention to Rei's response to the entire situation. I would have to watch her a bit more closely. It was just a crush, I'd had a million of them. I could ignore it. I wanted to understand her and I wouldn't let this get in the way.

I laid in bed, watching the shadows on the wall. I'd never been so nervous over something like this before, but I'd never really had a crush on anyone who mattered to me either. I didn't want to mess anything up, but I didn't want to walk on eggshells around her either, she'd notice that too. All this thinking was making me sleepy.

That night I dreamt of her again. I was the child this time, at the shrine with my parents…it was some sort of festival. There was music and I was jumping to try and see what everyone was looking at, but I was too small. I ran around the crowds, winding in and out of the people standing, clapping and I finally made my way to the front of the line. Through the short stone pillars and chain that formed a tiny gate, I saw the mikos doing their ritual dances and a full grown Rei was there with them. It was so beautiful and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I knew how lucky I was to see this, but I still wanted a better view. I climbed up one of the pillars and as I reached the top, it started to fall. I jumped back and watched helplessly as it knocked over the whole line of them, the chain that connected them pulling each down, one after the other. Deafening metallic clangs filled the air and everyone just stared at me, angry and disgusted.

**Part 13**

The hike was steeper than I thought it would be...it didn't help that I was only half-awake. She had told me about this spring in the mountains that her family had been hiking to for generations now. She came to it each year, the water in the spring was supposed to purify the spirit and I wondered if it would help me out when we were naked and only a few feet away from each other. I had convinced her to let me come after seeing the look in her eyes when she spoke about this place. It was absolutely gorgeous, like walking through a painting. I could smell the trees and bushes and something else I couldn't place. We must have been close because I could hear the water.

"It's beautiful out here."

"It's one of my favorite places."

"I can't believe it's so quiet. I just can't get over it! It's like the whole world is asleep."

"Was asleep."

"Jerk. Is that it?"

"Yes."

"The water has a smell."

"It's the minerals."

"Is it warm?"

"It's a hot spring Mina."

"Whatever. What are we waiting for, let's get in."

"Turn around."

"What's wrong Rei-chan? A little shy?"

"Just be quiet and turn around." It was probably for the best I saw as little as possible of her.

She was already in when I turned around. I joined her, surprised by how hot it was, noticing she kept her eyes closed the entire time. I allowed myself to look at her even though I knew it was a mistake. She was resting her head on the rocks at the spring's edge. Her neck was arched back, lips slightly parted, her chest flushed from the heat, and her hair floating all around her. At least the water was cloudy enough to cover everything else. God, she was probably praying right now. I felt ashamed for thinking of such things in a place that was sacred to her and tried to refocus. I wanted to feel whatever she was feeling, I wanted to understand. She deserved to have someone understand her, I didn't want to disrespect something that meant so much to her.

"Rei?"

"Mm?"

"Teach me to meditate?"

"Why?"

"If I'm going to hike all the way to a sacred spring, I want to do it right."

"I'm not meditating right now."

"What are you doing then?"

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Just thinking"

"Well what should I be thinking about when I'm here?"

"I don't know."

"Well it would help if I knew what kind of things you are thinking, you know how to do this kind of stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"The spiritual kind of stuff. You're a miko Rei-chan, it's your whole life."

"It's not my whole life."

"You get up every morning at 4am to meditate, you live at a shrine where you're a shrine maiden and your grandfather is the priest, you talk to fire…."

"Leave it alone."

"All I mean is you're so dedicated, it must be pretty important to you."

"I said leave it alone."

"You're so difficult."

"I'm not difficult. I just don't want everyone knowing my business."

"You think I am going to run around telling strangers on the street what we talk about as soon as we get off this mountain?"

"Who knows with the way you and Usa gossip."

"Is that really what you think of me? That I'm stupid girl who runs around gossiping to anyone that will listen? I'm not 13 anymore."

I was hurt, hurt by how much she didn't trust me, hurt by the suspicion in her voice. It was never my intention to insult her, she had always wanted to be a head priestess, always loved the shrine. At the same time I felt sad for her, my heart ached with the possibility that as strong as it was, maybe her faith didn't even give her peace.

**Part 14**

I had that same dream again, the one on the playground, except this time the darkness had torn her to shreds. I woke up in an absolute panic. I practically sprinted to the shrine, I had to check on her, it wasn't even a question. I couldn't stop crying or shaking, the sweat from running now cold on my skin. Rei didn't talk, she just took me inside, held me and that sick feeling in the pit of stomach slowly began to fade. I never told her the dream, I assumed she thought it was about the 30th century and I let her believe that. She was so warm, always so warm, and I felt like I could sleep forever curled up against her. She didn't ask, but I needed to say it. I turned around so that I was face-to-face with her. I put my hand on her side, as if touching her would convince her how serious I was.

"I had to come over."

"It's okay."

"I was scared."

"I know."

"This one felt real and I was afraid…I…nevermind"

"No what?"

"I had to make sure you are still here. I wake up with this feeling like the inside of me fell out and this picture of you dying stuck in my head and I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe until I know you're okay. I had to come and find you."

The words came rushing out of me, I needed her to know I wasn't crazy. We were staring at each other, neither of us knowing what to say and I thought for a minute she was going to kiss me. Instead, she pulled me close again, my head beneath her chin, and I nuzzled into her neck. I wondered if it was possible she was feeling even a little of what I was.

**Part 15**

I couldn't believe it! How could she have done this? How did manage to do it without me knowing? It was sneaky, but at the same time incredibly sweet. I was angry, grateful, but mostly scared. This was a real letter, from a real label, and they wanted to have a real meeting with me. I marched up the stairs to the shrine, seeing her at the top, still clutching the letter in my hand. I held it up to her and she snatched it away, rolling her eyes.

"How?"

"How what?"

"How did you do this? This is a major label!"

"I asked Michiru to listen to your demo, her agent had contacts."

"I can't believe you would do this without even telling me!"

"Someone had to do it."

"Rei. . ."

I couldn't find any words to thank her, I was overwhelmed, I just hugged her. She was so much more caring, compassionate, empathetic than she ever cared to show. I wished she would let everyone else see what I saw in her.

**Part 16**

Things were getting awkward between us. I think she underestimated my connection with my element. I would catch her staring at me, see her wanting to say something, do something but pushing it back down. She would get more and more tense the longer we were together until her shoulders were practically up by her ears. I put my comic down on the bed and looked at her. She seemed really uncomfortable and this had gone far enough.

"Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"Hunch over. It's not good for your back."

"I don't need your advice on posture."

"No need to get snippy! Just looking out for your future self."

"Well don't."

"You are such a grump sometimes Rei-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"You look like you're in pain."

"I am, okay?"

"Come on. I'll give you a massage."

"No way."

"Don't be so stubborn."

"I'm not! You'll probably make it worse."

"My volley ball team used to give each other massages all the time. I promise you'll feel amazing afterwards…"

I winked at her, I knew how I was being with her, maybe even crossing a line but we couldn't keep on like this forever. I cautiously slipped behind her, running my fingers up her neck, underneath her hair, massaging her scalp. I had always liked working with my hands, I understood things like this better than any math problem. She was practically falling backward and I was happy to see her finally letting go. I could smell her shampoo and her hair felt like silk on my skin, but I stayed focused, working my way down to her shoulders. She had so many knots and I felt her gasp as I popped a particularly stubborn one.

"Just relax, don't fight it. You're so tight Rei-chan."

"I said don't call me that."

"Okay, okay. Take your shirt off and lay down."

"Mina…."

"No more arguing. It's for your own good."

She pulled her shirt off, her skin was so perfect. I swung my legs over her, practically sitting on her to give myself more leverage. I used long even strokes, running my thumbs along the length of her spine, using every trick I knew to chase the tension away. I kept catching on her bra and made the decision to unclasp it, pushing it away with the palms of my hands, surprised at her lack of reaction. I used the weight of my body, pressing, each pop or snap a reward. Using my forearms, I slid up her back... all the way to her shoulders. I felt my chest press against her bare skin and my mouth was now inches away from her neck. My entire body was beating in time with my heart. She was so close…I forced myself up, swallowing hard. My hands felt like they were pulsing against her, all nerve endings and sensation. I closed my eyes, trying not to notice that her thighs were pressing against the inside of mine as she relaxed, forcing my body to sink deeper so I was now actually sitting on her. What dysfunctional line of thinking led to me believe this was a good idea? I was straddling the girl I was wildly attracted to while she was half-naked. I had overestimated my self-control. I had to slow everything down immediately. Rubbing in smooth slow tracts, I felt her muscles finally started to loosen. When I felt like I could speak again, I lifted myself off of her, acting as if nothing had happened.

"See? I keep my promises."

**Part 17**

Rei had left for a week to study at a shrine in the mountains where her mother had studied. I didn't like to be cooped up in the summer and I spent a lot of time walking around the city before work or on my days off. I found myself wandering toward the Hikawa Jinja without even thinking and ended up paying a visit to see if Rei's grandfather needed help with her chores while she was away. It became my routine for the week. I would come over after class or before work, have some tea with him and then we would do the daily chores, or more accurately I would do most of the daily chores and he would watch me. He told me little things… about her or Shinto. He taught me about the fire, how to arrange the logs properly, explained the talismans as I'm sure he'd done a hundred times before for tourists.

He looked me up and down and then handed me a talisman.

"For love and luck"

"This one is for both?"

"Sometimes you need both." He said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He had an eternally boyish quality that was very cute.

"Thank you."

I smiled at him and he looked pleased that I was so receptive to the gift, but turned suddenly serious.

"Do you know what next Friday is?" I did. Rei had mentioned the date only once, July 20th…it was the day her mother died.

"Yes, she told me."

"Rei goes to the place her father had my Risa buried by herself every year, always everything by herself… too much by herself. It is at the edge of town, you know it?"

"I think so…on the hill?" There was a cemetery at the edge of the city. I had heard rich people were buried there when I was younger.

"That's the one. You should go around dinnertime. Bring these, they were her favorite." He handed me incenses wrapped in paper.

I walked home with the talisman in my pocket, looking off at the mountains in the distance. She was up there somewhere, watching the sunset probably. I was surprised by how much I didn't like her being away. I sent her text saying that I missed her, imagining I could see the words flying through the sky and off in her direction.

**Part 18**

She had shut off her phone, it went right to voicemail. I found her kneeling by a headstone, lighting the incense she had brought with her. There were dried Sakura blossoms and fresh figs on the mantle. I watched her pray quietly, unable to imagine what she must be feeling. As much as I wanted to, there were some things I knew I would never really understand. I was filled with that sort of breath-catching sadness, the kind that makes it hard to swallow.

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to bring this."

"How did you know where to come?"

"Your grandfather."

I knelt down, placing a few oranges beside the figs and dropped the incense her grandfather had given me beside hers in the holders. I silently offered up my own prayer to her mother, a promise that I would try my best to bring her daughter happiness and peace in whatever way I could. It was a lot to live up to, I realized. She stood up and looked at me, tucking her hair behind her ears. There was so much in her eyes she wasn't saying.

"Thank you."

I nodded and we started the walk home. There was a nice cool breeze tonight, so the restaurants had all opened their windows and doors. The smell of cooking food was so distracting that I didn't even notice Rei was falling behind. Honestly it was hard to notice anything besides the rumbling of my stomach. I slowed down a bit to wait for her, inhaled, and took her hand in mine. Even though I could feel how nervous she was, she didn't pull away.

**Part 19**

Motoki and I were closing again. We had finished all the necessary clean up and were battling it out on the latest Sailor V game. The stakes were as follows: if I won he had dye his hair pink, if he won I had to tell him who my crush was on. It hadn't gone my way from the start, I was off tonight and it ended rather quickly. I couldn't tell whether he was more excited for the gossip or because he had actually beat me at something.

"Who is he?"

"She…"

"WHAT?"

"She, it's a girl."

"I didn't know you were…"

"I'm not…except her I guess. I don't know, I never thought about it like that."

"You have a crush on another girl for the first time in your life and you never thought about it like that?"

"It doesn't feel any different…."

"So where'd you meet her?"

"I've known her for a long time actually…"

"Uh oh. . .when did this pop up?"

"I don't know. We were always busy when we were younger, there was always something going, you know how we were, but now…we've been spending more time together and it just…happened."

"Does she know?"

"I don't know."

"Does she feel the same?"

"I don't know."

"Rei?"

"What?"

"Is it Rei?"

"How did you…"

"Lucky guess." He smirked at me, pulling the glassware out of the sink.

"I just can't stop thinking about her…"

"You're in trouble Aino Minako. "

"I know." I sighed resting my chin on the bar and watching him dry the mugs. She had been on my mind all night. My palm still tingled when I thought about us holding hands. There was something else, something I could only feel when we touched, like déjà vu. All this was too much feeling to keep in all the time.

I needed some distraction and thankfully I was meeting Hideki out for Karaoke after we finished at the arcade. I stepped into the bar, downing a drink and feeling instantly better. We belted out tune after tune, ate until we were almost sick and I even managed to drag Motoki and his wife with us. I had a great night, exactly what I needed, mindless fun. It didn't stop me from wandering over to the shrine at 2am though.

**Part 20**

I was waiting for her at the top of the stairs when I saw a familiar car pull up. Rei was going out at night with Haruka? I didn't even know they were close. She didn't even tell me about it. I watched her wobble her way up the stairs….she was most definitely drunk. Her forehead was all scrunched up and she was focusing so hard on each step. She didn't even see me. It was pretty adorable. I couldn't help myself from smiling at the shocked look on her face when she finally saw me.

"Are you drunk?"

"What?"

"You barely made it up the stairs Rei-chan."

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Yup and you smell like beer."

"What are you doing here at 3 in the morning anyway? Doesn't Artemis ever worry?"

"He's usually with Luna, besides I'm quiet."

"Apparently. You still haven't answered my question."

"I answered one of them."

"So answer the other."

"I dunno, I can't sleep sometimes."

"And you come here? That doesn't make any sense."

"Why doesn't it make sense?"

"You can't sleep, so you walk a mile in the dark by yourself?"

"To see you."

"Why me?"

Something was different with her tonight. Her defenses were definitely back up. I didn't know if she was maybe picking up on how I felt, but I changed the subject. I was frustrated that things suddenly seemed to be slipping backward with us, that she still couldn't be real with me.

"Where were you?"

"At a bar."

"That much I can tell. How did you get home?"

"I got a ride."

"From who?"

"I'm going to sleep."

"Why don't you ever invite me?"

"You wouldn't come."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Oh, okay. Well if you 'just do'."

"I don't have to invite you anywhere and I don't have to explain myself."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Why do you care anyway Minako?"

"Let's sleep, okay?"

I led her back to her bedroom, ready to just call it night. I was getting way too upset. All the passive aggressiveness and sarcasm, pretending and dancing around my feelings was really wearing on me. Doing things Rei's way was mentally and emotionally exhausting, but I didn't want her to run or ruin whatever was going on between us… if there was anything. I pulled my shirt off, feeling a bit demoralized by our fight.

Maybe I had been reading too much into things. I undid the button on my jeans and slid them down, wondering what I was even doing here. As I stood there thinking, I could feel her eyes all over me. Her stare was so intense that it seemed to crawl across my skin, goosebumps starting to rise all over my arms and legs. Half-naked I glanced over at her, a question on my face, and she turned away blushing. I was afraid to say anything, afraid of what I would do if I found myself looking into those deep violet pools again. I climbed into bed next to her, staring at the ceiling, keeping my hands planted on my chest. I practiced restraint, kept myself from saying what I wanted to, kept myself from touching her even though I felt like I could explode, and I hated every second of it. The silence was suffocating me, so I tried to appease her.

"I'm sorry Rei-chan. I shouldn't have been so intrusive, but it drives me nuts you won't tell me where you go."

"It's no one else's business." Of course she was immediately defensive.

"Except 'Ruka's." I was acting like a jealous girlfriend, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. The stress of trying to figure her out, trying to figure myself out, and keeping it all under wraps was getting to me.

"What does THAT mean?"

"I saw her drop you off."

"I don't ask you to come here, and I don't appreciate being spied on."

"I just wish you'd trust me."

As I lay there, feeling dejected, I began to consider the night's information. Rei was going out to bars late at night with Haruka, bars she didn't want me to know about, bars she thought I would never go to… if Rei was going to gay bars, then why was she putting me through all this torture? I can't imagine with the friends we have, what we had all been through, that she could be ashamed of it. I watched the breeze rustling the trees out in the orchard through the window and then suddenly I was someplace else.

Rei and I were sitting on the edge of a cliff, our feet dangling over the edge. When we moved, tiny pieces of shale broke away beneath us. There was a strong wind blowing red dust in swirls around us and it made it difficult to see anything beyond where we were. We both knew that it would be better if we could get somewhere lower, not so high up, but she kept saying there was no way down. The gusts grew stronger, started pushing us, knocking us over. As I crouched down with her, I put my hand on my forehead to shield my eyes, smiled, and said. . .

"I'll jump if you will!"

**Part 21**

I was so excited. I still couldn't believe it was true. I couldn't stop bouncing and Rei was just staring at me like I was nuts, so I tried to explain.

"I got a record deal."

"What?"

"I met with the label, Michiru helped me find an agent."

"About time."

"We start recording in a few months."

"You must be excited."

I was but I had the sudden realization I wouldn't see her as much, if I started touring barely at all. I wondered if she would ever consider coming with me.

"Yeah."

"You don't sound like it. It's everything you wanted."

"Almost everything."

"What are you talking about?"

"I want to celebrate."

"Okay. What do you want to do?"

"I want you to come out with everyone."

"Where?"

"I'm not telling. It'll be a girls night!"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeease?"

"No way."

"Rei-chan! It won't be the same without you!"

"Alright, okay."

She was going to come. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I knew it was a risk to throw alcohol into our whole bizarre equation, but I wanted her there more than anyone else.

**Part 22**

I trounced Usa at the new Sailor V game and it felt good to win. I proudly typed my initials in, while she slunk off reprimanding Rei for laughing at her loss. Motoki had been supplying us with a steady supply of drinks all night, making me my favorite. My dreams had taken a slightly different turn, no more nightmares, instead they were detailed, realistic fantasies starring who else. . .I'm not sure which was worse. We were all pretty tipsy at this point, but I was being careful. I had already said some things I probably shouldn't have. It was much harder to control myself with the alcohol making me fuzzy and bold. I felt almost like I was watching myself from the outside doing all of this, putting my arms around her waist, standing a bit too close, pouting.

"You haven't played with me yet. It's your turn."

"What would you like to play?"

"You choose, lady's choice."

"You're not a lady?"

"Not always."

"Okay ... how about that one?"

She pointed to some random machine and I followed her, completely confident in my ability to win. I grinned at her while the opening credits rolled. There was no way she could possibly beat me, this was my world. Then as the game began, I realized I had made a fatal error in judgment. I had assumed Rei would actually attempt to strategize and understand the rules, but she surprised me by behaving like the archenemy of seasoned gamers everywhere. She depressed the trigger, never releasing, blindly blanketing the screen with a hale of bullets. I watched her aimlessly firing, slapping at the buttons and I could feel my skin bristling. I stomped off when my character died, not even waiting to see if I had any continues. It was cheating, a cheap meaningless win, and I took solace in that deciding maybe it was time to move on to some other activity. We downed another round and were soon on our way.

As we entered the club, we went straight for the dance floor, forming a circle. It was like old times and I found myself not caring how I looked, just a girl joking around with her friends, jumping around with Usa. It felt good to be up and moving, shaking the alcohol off a bit. After awhile, I noticed Rei had gone straight for the bar, was sitting legs crossed, beer in her hand, watching me. Her eyes were so dark, so deep, made me ache inside when I looked too far into them, but I forced myself to meet her stare, putting on a little show for her for God knows what reason. For the first time, I was absolutely sure she wanted me, open need in her gaze. We stayed like that for what seem like hours, but was really only a few moments, her hunger drawing the movements from my body. She seemed to realize suddenly what was happening and turned away. I turned back to my friends, dancing in the circle once again. When I looked up, Usa was giving me a strange look and then glanced over at Rei. She had seen what just happened.

"Mina?"

I felt myself blushing and saw the tiniest smile break out across the princess's face. She grabbed my hands and we started dancing like crazy people again.

**Part 23**

All of our friends had left for the night, we were supposed to ride home together. I wanted to dance with her, my body was still thrumming from what happened on the dance floor. I was filled with the most intense feelings I had ever experienced, the waiting, the teasing, the flirting, the confusion...I didn't want to go home and pretend.

"Take me to that place you go."

"What?"

"I'm not ready to go home yet!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I told you, you wouldn't want to go"

"I don't think you have any idea what I want."

I pressed myself up against her. The shred of decorum I had left was the only thing preventing me from tearing her clothes off and taking her in the middle of the park. I wanted her, she wanted me, and I dared her to tell me otherwise. I could smell her again, her lips were so close to mine. She squeezed her eyes shut, like that could keep everything trapped inside and then pulled away from me.

"I can't!"

I looked at her...the terrified look in her eyes, her panicked reaction...maybe I was coming on too strong. I hated that she was so afraid of something like this, something I considered one of the most wonderful things that could possibly happen to a person. I wanted the chance to show her how amazing and rare these feelings were, that it was something to treasure... not run from. This wasn't the place to do that. I watched her swaying a bit and realized she was considerably more intoxicated than I was.

"Give me your keys."

"Minako . . . "

"I haven't had anything to drink for a bit Rei-chan . . . you're drunk."

"Are you sure about. . ."

"I danced most of it off. Now give me the keys, I'm taking you home."

She climbed into the passenger seat unsteadily and I gave her a bottle of water. She leaned her head against the window, and I decided I would take her to my apartment, give her some food and make sure she was okay. I didn't want her grandfather to worry. When we pulled up outside my building, she was confused.

"Where are we?"

"My apartment."

"I've never been here."

"I know."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why haven't I been here?"

"It's not like Mako's apartment, or Usa's house, or the shrine."

I hadn't taken her here before because I was a bit embarrassed. It was so small, not really nice, but it was mine and that was all that mattered to me. I watched her as she looked around the place, smiling at my karaoke machine in the corner, noticing my pictures of us all. She turned to face me, serious.

"It's an apartment, it looks like any other apartment I have ever been in."

"And just how many have you been in?"

I wondered what else Rei was up to when she went out on those late night excursions to the place she wouldn't tell me about. If I was honest, I was jealous. She still seemed a little unsteady as she made her way toward the couch.

"You need to eat something Rei-chan."

I grabbed cookies and snacks from my kitchen, filling up another glass of water to take with me. I put them in front of her, happy when she started eating. I needed something to fill up the silence, so I put a movie on, forcing myself to watch it. I put my hand on my stomach, trying to calm its nervous churning. About an hour in, I began to feel her eyes on me again. She was watching me breathe. The tension between us, inside me... it was unbearable. I looked over at her, her eyes were less fuzzy and I could see what she was thinking deep inside them. It was the same thing I was. Tonight I would try things my way.

I turned on my side to face her, praying my voice wouldn't be shaky and said what I was thinking.

"Rei?"

"Hai?"

"Have you ever wanted someone you shouldn't?"

"Minako don't be stu…"

"Please Rei, just answer me this time."

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you nicely"

"Yes, I have."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." I could see her begging silently for me to do the same, but I couldn't anymore.

"What?"

"I ignored it."

"Do they go away? The thoughts when you look at her?"

"Her?" She said surprised, shocked even. I realized that it wasn't just feelings that made her nervous, it was that we were both girls. I considered that maybe her faith told her it was wrong, I had never really asked. She never seemed bothered by Haruka and Michiru. I didn't know what to think, but it seemed like such a silly thing to be scared of.

"You don't ever wonder when you look at me?"

"Wonder what?"

"What it would be like to do this?" I took her hand and passed it over my ribs, brushing the side of my breast. It sent a lightning bolt straight through me. I kept my eyes on hers the entire time. She pulled her arm away, sat upright and stared at me, not quite believing I did that. She held her hand, protecting it.

"I can't!"

"Why can't you?" I couldn't let her just shut this down. We both wanted this, I knew we did. Taking a deep breath in, I straddled her... touching her cheek, staring into her eyes, hoping she could see what I felt in mine. I wanted her to see how sure I was about this, about feeling this way...for her. I had forgotten I had a skirt on, the warmth from her legs on my bare skin was driving me crazy. I leaned my head down, putting my lips to her ear, and whispered . . .

"I'm not afraid of this." I wanted her to understand that there wasn't a single thing that felt wrong to me about what was happening between us. I took her earlobe in my mouth, tugging gently at it with my teeth, touching her waist. I had never felt like this in my life, almost drunk with emotion and excitement.

I looked at her, amazed by how incredibly beautiful she was, even if her eyes were still unsure. Her mouth was slightly open and I found myself following the line of her bottom lip with my fingertip, watching its movement and only half believing this wasn't another dream. I watched something change in her, a decision flash on her face, the fear disappear and she closed her perfect lips around my thumb, taking it into her soft, warm mouth, her tongue tracing along the underside, her teeth on the sensitive tip of it ...I couldn't help the noises bubbling out of me, didn't want to stop myself from whispering her name.

I kissed her and she kissed me back, surprisingly yielding, let me take this where I wanted. I took my time, letting her responses guide me, learning every piece of her. It was so different from anything I had ever experienced and I couldn't seem to get enough her. I didn't leave her alone until she had fallen asleep, exhausted.

**Part 24**

I woke from a dreamless sleep to find myself alone in the bed. She left . . . I would had put the odds of that at 50/50. I thought that there were three possibilities. 1.) She would have one big break through and things would be okay for us. 2.) She would be horrified by the whole thing and our friendship would suffer. 3.) We would continue as we had, steps forward followed by giant steps back. Any way it happened, I still felt like someone had torn my heart out. I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them and looked at my toes peeking out from sheets. I didn't know how to feel, but somehow I was sure that chasing her right now was the worst thing I could do. I felt the stinging of tears and a tightness in my throat . . . I was lost, I was falling for her, falling in love with someone I wasn't entirely sure could love me back.

**Part 25**

Usa and I walked along the paths in the park to the fountain that stood in the center. She was so different now then when we were girls, still goofy and awkward sometimes . . . but there was a maturity there now, a quiet self assurance that gave me so much hope for our future. Something even today seemed to have changed about her. Usagi was almost glowing. I met her here because she had said there was something she wanted to talk to me about, I wondered if it was about Rei. It had been a week since everything happened.

"You don't seem yourself today . . . bad dreams?"

"No. . . just not sleeping well."

She watched me, hesitant to say what she was thinking. "Are you sure you're ok?"

The tears were starting to build again. "Yeah . . ." The first one fell and it was all over.

"Oh Mina" She gave me another one of those bone crushing hugs, whispering to me. When I had calmed down, we sat on the stonewall of the fountain.

"Do you love her?" She looked at me, speaking quietly.

I nodded, despite all logic and reason I did. If this wasn't proof enough of love's unpredictability and disregard for common sense I didn't know what was.

"Have you told her?"

"Not in those words . . . " I couldn't stop the blush that felt like it reached my ears.

She gave me that same curious stare from the club and I didn't say anything, just chewed at my bottom lip nervous and sick.

"This is such a mess Usa."

"Have you talked to her?"

"No, I'm not ready yet I guess."

She nodded and squeezed my hand. We sat in silence together, enjoying the warm air, and just being next to her, feeling how much she cared about me did help a bit.

"I guess you're wondering why I asked you to come out here"

"I thought that was it."

"No . . . well that was part of it but . . ." It was her turn to blush. I watched her kicking at the fountain, suddenly shy, then it dawned on me.

"Usa . . . "

"I guess we should probably push the wedding up." All my worries forgotten we were dancing around the park like idiots. I couldn't believe it, Usa was pregnant. I would have to tell Rei . . . and with that thought I crashed back to earth.

"Mina. . . just go talk to her. . ."

"I will . . . but we should get you some ice cream first. To celebrate!" Our childhood dreams were coming true all at once, I had a record deal and Usa had her baby. There was so much happiness on the one side and on the other, so much unknown. I needed to somehow bring everything to the middle.

**Part 26**

I waited in the orchard, fixing my dress for the thousandth time. We needed to talk, but I was scared to see her again, to see her reaction to all of this. I could tell from her face that this wasn't going to go well. She said nothing, so I started the conversation.

"You left."

"I told you I couldn't."

"But you DID, we did Rei ... and you left."

She apparently wanted to pretend nothing had happened, but I wouldn't let her off that easy. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry. I was mad, sad, afraid, all at the same time. Rei... she was just angry.

"You're making too much of it."

"I'm making too much of it?"

"We were drunk Mina."

"STOP! Stop pretending with me!... I know you...I know you Rei-chan."

I couldn't believe she would try and make into a drunken night, a mistake, but I knew she was grasping at straws. Even if it was a defense mechanism, it cut me like a knife. I looked at her, wanted her to see that she was hurting me, that whatever it did or didn't mean to her, it had meant something to me, still meant something to me. I watched her anger melt away, the walls come down, the tears start. I took her hands in mine, rested her forehead on mine. I whispered "I know you" again. I wanted her to really hear me.

"This isn't simple Minako."

"Why?"

"How could you think it is?"

"...I...it is for me."

"Well it isn't for me."

"Why not?"

"It's my life Minako, this isn't how it was supposed to be."

"Because I'm a girl?"

She plopped down on the grass, hiding her face in her knees. She looked like she was being swallowed by her miko uniform. I sat down beside her, wanting to understand what it was that terrified her so much.

"No one was supposed to know. It was supposed to be a secret."

I realized she wasn't referring to us, she was referring to herself, a feeling she had inside that had always scared her, something she had kept hidden even from her closest friends.

"You could have told me."

"I didn't want this. I'd never let anyone actually...before we...I didn't want it to ever mean..."

I was shocked, I had no idea that I had been the first to . . . she never said anything. I imagined what it must have been like for her, all of this. If she felt even close to how I feel, to act on those feelings would mean letting go of a secret she had held on to for god knows how long. I thought about how much it must have taken for her to give herself to me in that way. I realized how completely different our experiences of this whole situation were. I needed to make her understand what I felt for her.

". . .read my mind Rei."

After a bit of hesitation, she gave in. We clasped hands and I felt her energy pass into me. I let my eyes fall closed...I hadn't expected to be able to sense anything from her. All the heaviness, the anxiety, the fear, the shame came pouring in, but then there was the most beautiful sensation. It was a sort of heat that felt as though it was wrapping around my entire body. There was something sexual intertwined with the warmth, something that seemed to pull my entire being toward one spot. I kept my eyes closed, focusing on the sensation. Underneath everything was that sense of déjà vu, that somehow this had always been there. I opened my eyes and watched her feeling what I felt, poured as much energy as I could into the connection.

"That's how you make me feel, how I feel every time I see you, when I think about you, multiply that times one hundred and that's how it feels to kiss you. . .I'm not imagining this, you feel something too, I know you do."

She didn't answer, she just kissed me, soundly and without fear, led me away from the orchard, made love to me with a passion that left me breathless. As we lay together in her bed, my head on her chest and counting her heartbeats... I knew this time she would be there when I woke, that she would always be there.


End file.
